Is This My Life?
About 7+ years ago, I began waking up with the exact same thought every single morning…
“Ugh, I have to do this again?”
On the surface, my life was good. It was stable. I had built a successful personal training/wellness coaching business. I had a great relationship with my daughter that just kept getting better as she grew older. I had friends I could talk to about anything. I had my health, a home, a family, and a dog I loved. And yet, I could not shake this feeling of “Ugh,” as I walked to the kitchen to make my coffee each morning.
I wasn’t depressed or sad, but I wasn’t happy either. Every day felt like Groundhog Day. Exactly the same. I went through the motions. I had pleasant interactions and was surrounded by people all day long, but I felt empty and alone… and I just couldn’t do it anymore.
As soon as these thoughts of “Ugh.” would enter my mind, I immediately started trying to counteract them with thoughts of gratitude. I would look around at my life and genuinely feel grateful for everything I had. I thought about where I came from and who I was now. I felt so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I was really proud of the life I had created and the person I had become. And yet…
It wasn’t enough.
I felt guilty for even admitting that. So, I tried to figure out why…
Was it perimenopause? That was the hot topic across the internet, which seemed to explain what was “wrong” with women my age. So, I had my hormones adjusted. Although that did help with mood, motivation, and how I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally, it didn’t take away the “Ugh.”
Was it trauma? I wondered whether these thoughts were just a form of self-sabotage. After growing up in chaos and dysfunction, and spending years unconsciously repeating those patterns in my adult life, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a deep-seated attempt of those old wounds to blow up my now stable life. So, I talked about it in therapy, prayed, meditated, and journaled to find clarity. Nope, I really don’t think that’s it.
After feeling this way every morning for a couple of years and searching high and low for why, I finally concluded I was ready for a career change. So, I decided to go back to school and get my Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. That career aspiration felt good. I love hearing people’s stories and helping people in need. So, it seemed like the perfect fit. Plus, I never intended to stop my education at my undergraduate degree, but life got in the way. Getting divorced, becoming a single mom, and running my own business were all I could handle. So, I had put a Master’s degree on my list of things I wanted to accomplish after my daughter was out of the house, but after waking up with existential dread every day for a couple of years, I decided it might be beneficial to move up the timeline. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to do it now anyway. My daughter was entering her last 3 years of high school. I knew that once she got her driver’s license, she would be doing her own thing more frequently. So, I thought school might give me something to focus on during that time. Plus, the timing actually seemed perfect. I would be graduating a few months before her. So, I could transition my career when she went off to college, and start the next chapter of my life with a different sense of purpose.
For the next 2 years and 9 months, I worked my ass off. The gym where I did my personal training closed down shortly after I started school. So, I decided to get a full-time job while I completed my degree, instead of trying to rebuild my business at another location. My new gig didn’t pay enough to cover my bills, so I kept personal training in the morning before work to make ends meet. Then, after working both jobs, I would come home to write research papers and complete my coursework, maintaining my 4.0 GPA throughout. As I entered the last year of my program, I began to question whether this career change was the right choice for me. I was extremely burnt out. I also experienced 3 deaths in about 6 months’ time that made me really start evaluating what I wanted in life… not just in a career. However, I was too far in to stop, and I really did want to complete my goal of getting my Master’s. So, I decided I was going to finish. My hope was that my 700-hour internship, required to complete the program, would show me I had made the right choice and would reignite the desire to become a therapist that I felt when I first entered the program.
It did not.
I loved working with my clients during my internship. For 9 months, I would virtually train my clients starting at 6:00 am, then work all day, then counsel clients at the clinic until 7 or 8:00 pm, and on weekends. Plus, I still attended classes online and tried to spend as much quality time as possible with my daughter during her last year at home. Out of the 3 jobs, counseling was my favorite, even though it was the one I didn’t get paid for. I felt like I was making a positive impact on people’s lives, just by giving them a safe space. I wasn’t fixing their problems, but I was allowing them to be honest and to be fully heard and seen, without judgment. This allowed them to create positive change in their own lives, which was amazing to see.
But, also…
My mental and physical health were deteriorating quickly. I wasn’t sleeping. My body hurt everywhere. I was exhausted. I had chronic headaches. I felt as though I was about to break. By the end of the 700 hours, I decided it would be irresponsible for me to become a therapist full-time in the state I was in. I knew I needed to recover from my burnout before I could show up for anyone else. So, I decided to wait on pursuing licensure for the time being.
I also kept thinking about the deaths of people I cared about while I was in school. There actually ended up being 4 deaths in about a year and a half, and I don’t think I was able to fully process my grief from all of them because of school and everything else I had going on. The first death really shook me and made me really evaluate the trajectory of my life. It happened smack dab in the middle of my Grad school program. My oldest friend, whom I love dearly, suddenly became a widow at the age of 45. No warning. No explanation. Her perfectly healthy, ultra-marathon running, vibrant, life of the party husband just suddenly passed while driving their son home. One day, she’s happily married, and on a girls’ trip with our friend group and me, telling us about her life and her future plans as a family. The next day, she’s a widow with two children and a completely uncertain future ahead of her. It was so shocking and devastating. His death really opened my eyes to how fragile this life really is. None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. They were one of the happiest families I knew. They had 40 more years of life planned together, and yet, that entire future disappeared in an instant. Realizing that he would never get to experience their future plans on this earth made me understand that my future plans were not guaranteed either. If I had something I wanted to do in this lifetime, I needed to do it now. Not waiting for someday or the perfect conditions, because neither of those things actually exists.
For years, I had a dream of moving abroad someday… I figured I would probably just do it at retirement age, but my friend’s husband’s sudden death made me realize I may not reach retirement age, no matter how healthy I am. So, I really started researching how to make a move abroad possible. I really wanted to experience other cultures and to see the world outside of the little bubble in which I had always existed. Yes, I wanted to travel, but I also wanted deeper experiences abroad than that. I wanted to meet new people who had lived lives completely different from mine to change my perspective on the world. I wanted to immerse myself in different ways of living. I wanted to peel back the layers of the identities I had formed for myself and discover who I was without labels, titles, certifications, or degrees…
I wanted to find myself… and I wanted to create a life that felt good.
I did not want to wake up for the rest of my life and have my first thought be “Ugh.” I wanted to recover from my burnout and start feeling well again, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I wanted to look forward to my future, instead of just surviving each day. I wanted to create space and ease to do things I love, such as writing, creating, or painting. I wanted to have time and energy for a social life, something that had become nonexistent through all the hustle. I wanted to connect with nature, with other people, and with myself in a way I genuinely don’t know is possible in American culture.
I wanted the rest of my life to be the best of my life… for as long as I am privileged enough to live it.
So, I went for it. I sold everything I owned, including our 2 cars, clothes, furniture, and more. I packed 3 suitcases for myself, and I booked a one-way ticket out of the country. I didn’t qualify for any of the visas I was interested in at the time. I was also nervous about settling into a country I had never even visited. I had never really had the opportunity to travel outside the U.S. before, other than a few spring break trips to Cancun in my younger years and a trip to Jamaica to get married… which, at that time, neither place even required a passport for Americans to visit. So, I got my first passport last year and decided to live a slow, nomadic life for my first year abroad. I had some savings from selling everything I owned, and I was determined to find low-cost-of-living places to stay for 1-4 months at a time, while I rebuild my coaching business into one that feels completely aligned with who I am and who I am becoming on this journey.
With this plan, I estimate I have about a year to figure things out… country-wise and career-wise. This blog is where I will document it all… lessons I learn, experiences I have, and insights into who I become through this massive life-changing leap of faith. I am staying open to all possibilities, including returning to the U.S., becoming licensed as a therapist there, seeking licensure in another country, or even returning to school for a different Master’s or even a PhD. I’ve learned throughout my 48 trips around the sun that the moment I devise a perfectly laid-out 5-10-year plan for my life, the Universe has a way of pulling the rug out from underneath me and reminding me that I do not have control over the outcome… I only have control of what I do in each moment… and what I choose to do now will determine my future. So, I’m building that future one day at a time, using the knowledge I gain with each step to determine the next best move for me.
If you’d like to follow along on this journey or you’re looking for inspiration to pursue your own dreams, please subscribe to my free Substack. One of the best things I ever did for myself was to follow people I don’t even know, doing things that were out of the ordinary, because it opened my eyes to what’s possible for me. If they could do it, why couldn’t I? I may not want to do exactly what they’re doing, but expanding my view of what’s possible for an ordinary person who decides to get outside of their comfort zone has expanded my view of what’s possible for creating an extraordinary life for myself.
You are allowed to outgrow the life you once wanted.
Keep the wisdom. Rewrite the ending.
XOXO,
Stacie