7 Years Sober

That’s 2,556 days I decided not to pick up a drink.

It’s 61,344 hours of handling the bad & the good with a clear mind.

And 3,680,600+ minutes of a life fully lived.

Sobriety is beautiful & messy.
It’s simple, but not easy.
It’s dark & it’s light.

Alcohol was never my problem…

In honor of my 45 years on this plane of existence, I thought it would be fun to summarize 45 lessons I’ve learned. Milestones, like birthdays, always make me reflect on the life I’ve lived so far, as well as contemplate the life I have yet to live. None of this is meant to be advice, but I know I always appreciate when others share the lessons they’ve learned with me, as it saves me stress, energy & time from potentially learning those lessons the hard way myself. So, I hope these thoughts help someone who needs them, or at the very least, they entertain you today... ☺️

We have the power to do anything with our lives, but instead of tapping into that power, we distract ourselves with busyness… we deny our creativity, our genius, from emerging within us by filling every second of the day.

There is no “Busiest Person Award”, yet we wear that shit like a badge of honor…

It’s not.

Who would you be if you believed there was nothing to ‘fix’ about you? How would you show up in this world? Confident? Happy? Relaxed? Would you enjoy your life more? Your family & friends? Your downtime? Would you be more present?

I work with goal-oriented clients, and as a goal-oriented person myself, I know how having goals can make life less mundane. Having something to work toward gives us a sense of accomplishment… a feeling that we have endless possibilities available to us.

And, while I love setting & accomplishing goals, and I love helping clients achieve theirs, I don’t love the belief that sometimes comes with being a goal-oriented person that we need to ‘fix’ ourselves & our lives…

To overcome grief, it’s not about shrinking the pain… It’s about growing around it - expanding our capacity to love again.

The depths of our grief are indicative of the potential for our joy.

We get stuck in grief when we live in fear of feeling joy, in fear of feeling love…

We think we’re building walls to protect ourselves, but really we’re just building a fortress for our pain…

Very often when we are trying to make changes in our lives, we find ourselves starting & stopping new habits over & over.

Whether it’s healthy eating, improving financial decisions, or changing the way we show up in relationships…

We may find ourselves nailing it for a while, implementing the new behaviors, but then something happens and we fall off course. We may even backtrack in our progress…

It’s really easy in these situations to think “Great. I’m starting over AGAIN.” …and then beat ourselves up for where we are vs where we were…

But, the reality is, we are never starting over… we’re always starting anew.

Every experience we have in life…

What most people think is self-care is actually after care - massages, vacations, workouts, etc.

Self-care is preemptively taking care of your needs to prepare you for life.

After care is rejuvenating or replenishing care after you’ve depleted yourself.

When working with clients…

…You weren’t meant to live this life burnt out, fatigued, unhappy & working yourself to death. You were meant to live happily, healthily & free even while kicking ass at work.

You’ve probably heard that we can mistake dehydration with hunger. There’s some debate as to whether that is true or not…

However, there is no debate as to the effects of hydration in metabolism.

Studies have shown that drinking water can boost metabolism.

One study…

Diamonds form under pressure. 💎

Muscles grow bigger with resistance. 💪🏻

You get stronger in struggle. 🫶🏻

Life shouldn’t be a constant struggle… if it is, it’s probably a good indication that you’re not tuned into what’s right for you vs what society says is right for you…

But, in life there is struggle.

We can choose..

The Karpman Triangle, also known as the ‘Drama Triangle’ or ‘Victim Triangle’ is a concept Psychologist Stephen Karpman introduced in 1968. It demonstrates how people take on dysfunctional roles to address conflict. The behavior stems from a need to be perceived as 'right' or 'approved' in our minds or that of others.

I think most of us learn these behaviors as we engage with other messy humans…

I know I used to plant myself in one corner of the triangle & I’d create a narrative to support it - I’d die on that hill to prove I was right…

Hypothetical question:

If you were given $1,000,000 would you be happy? You didn’t have to work for this money… you didn’t have to struggle… you didn’t have to sacrifice anything… you were just given a million dollars. Period. Would you be happy?

I think it’s pretty safe to say that most people would say “yes”.

Now, what if you had to pay 1/2 of that million dollars in taxes… you still get to pocket $500,000, but you have to pay $500,000 to the IRS. Would you still be happy?

What about 75% in taxes?

What about 90% in taxes?

This is where we, as humans, cause our own suffering…

A fish doesn’t know it’s in water.

We are the same. We don’t realize the impact our environment has on us, or how it affects the way we move through life. We make decisions (often at a young age) to enter an environment because it feels familiar.

It’s why people stay in dysfunctional/abusive relationships, or toxics jobs, or institutions (like religion) that promote ideas that are degrading, controlling & manipulative… it’s what they’ve always known, so it seems normal.

We usually don’t realize how dysfunctional or bad a situation is until we’re out of it completely… only then can we look back and say “Holy sh*t. Why did I put up with that?”

But, very often, while we’re still in it, something will come into our radar, and give us a little alert that something isn’t right…

We have villainized our bodies.

* When our bodies signal pain, we condemn it.

* When our bodies signal hunger, fatigue or thirst, we ignore it.

* When our bodies desire pleasure, we suppress it…


We have detached from the wisdom our bodies hold, and we’ve searched for the solution outside of ourselves…

Not surprisingly, we haven’t found it…

I’ve spoken before about how I have the tendency to analyze my feelings, as to opposed to actually feeling my feelings… and also, how I tend to judge my feelings & try to change them into what I think I “should” feel…

I’ve realized I do this with my needs & desires, as well.

I have a really hard time knowing how I feel at any given moment, what I need at any given moment, or what I truly desire for myself & my life…

Our souls each came here for a different reason. My desires are different than yours, and yours are different than mine…

And that’s not only okay - it’s what makes this messy, magnificent life amazing. How wonderful we all came here to experience this plane of existence in a completely different way. There is no reality- there is only our reality. We each have the power to make that reality whatever experience we want to have.

A therapist once told me that on her first date with her husband, he said “All men are jerks & all women are crazy… the bigger the jerk, the more crazy comes out… the more crazy, the bigger the jerk comes out.”

Now, I don’t like to call people crazy, or jerks for that matter, but it’s true lol…

My friends love me, and so of course they see the best in me, and it’s uncomfortable for them to see me in pain as I navigate the dumpster fire of dating in 2023 😂 But, the reality is, in any relationship, there is not a “good” person & a “bad” person…

There are simply 2 unhealed people trying to get their relational needs met. Sometimes the actions they take to get those needs met are unhealthy, and sometimes those relational needs aren’t aligned. That’s it.

No good. No bad. Just misalignment & a lot of scared inner-child behavior coming out sideways…