There Is No Villain
There is no villain in relationships.
I’ve been married. I’ve also been divorced for 12 years, and during that time I’ve dated my fair share of men. So, I probably have a larger than average sample size of different relationships in my life.
Whenever a relationship doesn’t work out, for whatever reason, one thing I notice the people in my life have the tendency to do is immediately start man-bashing…
“He’s an ass.”
“You can do better.”
“He doesn’t deserve you.”
Now, I admit I have my frustrations with men, and no, none of the men I’ve dated have ended up being my forever person…
But, just because a man & I aren’t compatible, doesn’t make him a bad person… or make him wrong in anyway.
There doesn’t have to be a villain in the story.
Even relationships where there was overt abuse, I was not an innocent victim. I may not have acted in the way they acted, but I certainly contributed to our dysfunction… it doesn’t make their abuse right, but it doesn’t make them evil… it was my lack of boundaries that kept me in the situation & it was my responsibility to remove myself from it… I just didn’t realize that at the time…
None of the men I’ve met or dated are bad guys - unhealed, yes… but, so am I. We’re all just doing the best we can with the tools we have at this moment.
A therapist once told me that on her first date with her husband, he said “All men are jerks & all women are crazy… the bigger the jerk, the more crazy comes out… the more crazy, the bigger the jerk comes out.”
Now, I don’t like to call people crazy, or jerks for that matter, but it’s true lol… (I seriously considered titling this “All men are jerks, and all women are crazy 😂)
My friends love me, and so of course they see the best in me, and it’s uncomfortable for them to see me in pain as I navigate the dumpster fire of dating in 2023 😂 But, the reality is, in any relationship, there is not a “good” person & a “bad” person…
There are simply 2 unhealed people trying to get their relational needs met. Sometimes the actions they take to get those needs met are unhealthy, and sometimes those relational needs aren’t aligned. That’s it.
No good. No bad. Just misalignment & a lot of scared inner-child behavior coming out sideways.
So, whenever you’re in conflict with another messy, unhealed human (i.e. anyone & everyone) remember that you’re on the same team… you both are simply trying to meet a need. They’re not the enemy, and neither are you… you may be just misaligned, and more than likely you’re reacting to trauma from your past which is being amplified by the present. To diffuse the situation & resolve the conflict remember to stay in the present & ask for what you need in a clear, loving way.
And if you’re the friend, listening to the conflict of another’s relationship… just listen. Witness their pain. Sit in the uncomfortable. That’s the most loving & helpful thing you can do in that situation… we all just want to be witnessed. We all want to not feel alone in our struggles, and that happens when we’re allowed to feel the pain from our struggles fully without deflecting (or needing to defend the other party… which is what I usually end up doing when the man-bashing starts🙄)
Relationships are messy, but we are relational creatures… learning to navigate them in a healthy way is how we get our needs met…
And being kind makes that journey a lot more enjoyable.
XO,
Stacie