My Story…

I spent most of my life earning my place.

I grew up being told what a good girl looks like, and that someday I'd be somebody's wife and maybe somebody’s secretary. I fully believed that would be my life, because that was the only path laid out for me… I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.

So I did what a lot of us do. I performed. I learned early that love was something you earned by being useful, being good, and never being too much. I tied my identity and worth to my career, my relationships with men, and what I did, rather than to who I am.

Then I spent decades proving it.

I ran toward chaos as an EMT for 18 years. Trying to feel like I had purpose and power in a world where, inside, I felt powerless. I raised my daughter on my own (which wasn’t me proving, but it was really fucking hard at times). I competed on stage as a fitness competitor and earned my pro card… and I still felt like a fraud, I didn’t believe I was good enough. I collected degrees and certifications like proof that I was capable of something worthwhile.

None of it changed how I felt about myself, though. The world applauded things that were quietly hurting me, like competing, until my body finally made me stop and listen.

Starting over (the first time).

There was a night I sat in my car and sobbed after deciding I was done living in a harmful situation. With no safety net and a little girl depending on me, I went inside and made a plan on how to support us financially and keep us safe. That's how my coaching business was born, and it carried us for more than a decade.

Along the way, I started therapy, somatic experiencing work, and healing my relationship with my body. I did shadow work and 12-step work, too. (Which, for me, had very little to do with alcohol.) All of this opened my eyes to all of the ways I had been conditioned to believe society’s lies about women, their bodies, and their value. It showed me all the ways I self-abandoned to make sure everyone else in my life was comfortable. It showed me that I was living a life I was told to want, rather than one I actually wanted to live, which explained…

The Groundhog Day years.

On paper, I'd made it. I had accomplished everything I had worked for, but underneath the outward appearance, I woke up every morning with dread. My first thought was “Ugh, I have to do this again?" as I walked to the kitchen to make my coffee. I wasn't sad, exactly. I just wasn't happy. I was surrounded by people all day, but felt completely alone.

I knew something needed to change, but I didn’t know what. I just knew I could not wake up every day for the rest of my life with my first thought being “Ugh.”

So, I decided a career change was what I needed. I began my Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling program. I love listening to people’s stories and helping people. So, it seemed like a good fit. About halfway through my program, I started getting an overwhelming feeling that becoming a therapist might not be the right career for me, but I was too far in to quit. So, I decided to finish the program before I decided whether that was true. My hope was that my 700-hour internship would reignite my desire to become a licensed therapist, and I was willing to do the work to find out.

Around the time I was questioning whether I had made the right choice in career change, my oldest friend, whom I love dearly, suddenly became a widow at the age of 45. No warning. No explanation. Her perfectly healthy, ultra-marathon running, life-of-the-party husband just suddenly passed while driving their son home. One day, she’s happily married, and on a girls’ trip with me, talking about her life and her future plans as a family. Then, literally the next day, she’s a widow with two children and a completely uncertain future ahead of her. It was so shocking and devastating. His death really opened my eyes to how fragile this life really is. None of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. I realized that if I had something I wanted to do in this lifetime, I needed to do it now. Not waiting for someday or the perfect conditions, because neither of those things actually exists. So, I stopped waiting.

At 48, I sold almost everything I owned and moved to Europe, alone - The Rewrite.

I'm writing this from Montenegro. I don't have it all figured out. Some days I'm braver than I've ever been, and some days I'm terrified…

But I no longer wake up feeling “Ugh.”

Here's what I know now: the trophies and titles never changed me. Taking action towards them did.

I was always worthy of a life I loved. Going after it is how I finally came to believe it.

Book a FREE call → Reclamation Roadmap Session

Work with me → Here’s How

Read my letters → Substack