Learning To Soften Without Self-Abandoning
Learning to soften without self-abandoning is hard to do…
At least for me.
As someone who used to be boundaryless, I lived in self-abandonment. I was taught in order for me to be “loved” & accepted, I must adapt to everyone around me. To be “chosen” meant I was worth something.
Because of these internalized beliefs, I shape-shifted to fit whatever scenario I was in… not intentionally, or in a deceitful way, but in a survivalist way.
Humans are wired for connection. We’re not meant to go through life alone. Going through life alone feels like a threat to our nervous system - it keeps us in “fight or flight”…
But, so does living inauthentically, because to do so we’re not connected to ourselves.
After living boundary-less for so long, and abandoning my true authentic self & my needs as an attempt to “fit in” or be chosen, I realized I actually had no idea who *I* was. I didn’t know whether what I was doing in my life was because I actually wanted to do it, or because I was told I should… literally everything from the music I listened to, the men I dated, the career I engaged in, to social activities I participated in, and more…
Was that me? Or was that something I was told was “cool” or the “right” way?
I had to detox from it all.
In that process, I swung too far the other way…
I built walls. A fortress to protect myself from losing myself to others. I chose myself over everyone else…
This was necessary for me to connect with who I truly am, but it also put me in survival mode again… that “fight or flight” because I wasn’t connected to others which is necessary for the survival of our species…
I’m still learning the balance of softening without self-abandonment. I still get it wrong pretty frequently. So, I’m learning to pause instead of making snap decisions, as it’s the only way I have the opportunity to connect to my Self to feel what feels right to me. Doing this I realize I still need to soften more if I truly want to fill my soul’s desire for connection… it feels fucking terrifying, but I know it’s necessary… for my health, my happiness & my life’s purpose.
So, to lean into this I must make amends for all of the times I was too rigid in my “boundaries” that were actually insurmountable walls. I must forgive myself & others for all the times I self-abandoned… it wasn’t anyone else’s fault I did that, so they don’t deserve resentment or bitterness towards them, and it wasn’t my fault I did that… it was all that I knew back then. Now that I know better, I do better, but the girl who self-abandoned did so only because she wanted to be loved & accepted… so, to heal & move forward I must give that to her now… because she deserves love & acceptance just as much as the more “evolved & aware” version of myself today.
Healing doesn’t happen when you become the “best” version of yourself. Healing happens when you love the “worst” version of yourself just as much as the “best”.
XO,
Stacie