Anger Is A Healthy Emotion

Anger is a healthy emotion.

Growing up, I was taught I was not allowed to be angry. If I did get angry, it meant there was something wrong with me and/or I was a bad person…

Growing up in a controlling, abusive, dysfunctional household I was called “crazy” if I got upset about being mentally, verbally, emotionally, or physically abused. Most of the time, as it was happening, I appeared to be stoically unfazed. I would just endure it, but after HOURS of enduring this abuse, I would finally break… I’d cry. I’d yell. I’d fight back.

“Look how crazy she is.” my father would say, as he pointed to me crying on the floor, in front of my mother who was a witness to all of it. He’d repeat calling me “crazy'“ over and over, because I was uncontrollably, angrily, crying…

Then, I was then made to apologize for getting so upset, which would eventually stop the abuse. 🙃 (Pretty fucked up)

I learned at an early age that standing up to mistreatment was not allowed, and if I did, I would be shamed & hurt even more.

My home wasn’t the only place I received this message. Religion was another area I received the message that anger makes you a “bad” Christian/person, especially as a woman who was supposed to be submissive… anger was a very unappealing trait. Forgiveness is the only way to be a lovable, worthy person/woman of faith. “Turn the other cheek” was the message that was preached over and over for mistreatment…

So, because I didn’t want to be a “bad” person/Christian, and I wanted to attract a “good Christian man”, I let things roll off my back…

Or so I thought.

I legitimately thought none of these experiences had an impact on me. (now that’s a crazy belief lol) I truly believed I had let every hurt in my life go. I truly believed I had forgiven everything & moved on with my life. I honestly didn’t realize I held resentment within me because I was so disconnected from my body….

Then, I started experiencing inexplicable health problems. As I navigated these health issues, and what was causing them, it woke me up to the reality that trauma from my past was trapped in my body, and was now emerging as physical symptoms.

As I awakened to this reality, instead of continuing to live in denial, I realized all of these experiences did affect me tremendously… and even though I didn’t actively feel the pain from them anymore, they were causing me literal pain in my body, as well as painful experiences in my current day life…

My past experiences influenced how I moved through the world today, and how I related to others. Those experiences are what caused me to turn to alcohol to take the “edge” off of life & my social anxiety. Those experiences contributed to my eating disorder & body dysmorphia because that was a way I could feel a sense of control in this world. Those experiences taught me how to disassociate enough to be able to work in EMS, and be highly functional in very stressful situations. Those experiences contributed to my workaholism & my incessant drive to “prove” myself, because I was counteracting the voice in my head that said I wasn’t enough. Those experiences caused me to participate in unhealthy & unloving relationships with emotionally unavailable men because tolerating mistreatment felt like home…

All of the unconscious behaviors (coping mechanisms) I was using to overcome my past became too painful & exhausting to withstand anymore.

I realized I had to change, because the common denominator in all of my life’s circumstances was me.

So, I got into therapy, I got into a 12-step program, and eventually, I left Christianity/religion.

I’ve realized in my deconstruction from religion, in my many years of trauma healing therapy, and in my 12-step work of sobriety…

I’m f*cking mad as hell.

As I do this healing work, and as I unpack all of these experiences from my past, I am realizing how much anger there is within me still today… I had no idea.

I have anger towards people, towards God, towards myself, and towards the fact that any of it happened at all… even though I am genuinely grateful for everything I’ve gone through… because it’s led me to be the person I am today… and I like the person I am today. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without any of those experiences, but at the same time… WTF?!?! It is possible to feel gratitude & anger, simultaneously, about the same situation because even though I have accepted something for what it is/was, and I have learned & grown from that experience, it doesn't mean I didn’t deserve better.

There are people & things from my past I have tried to forgive over & over & over… but it just won’t “stick”. It’s not genuine. I WANT to forgive them sooooo badly because my resentment is hurting me. I don’t want to carry this weight anymore. I have worked the 12 steps over & over, but I still feel resentment.. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t embody this forgiveness, even though it’s what I want…

Then I realized it was because I hadn’t let myself feel the rage within me.

It is a normal human emotion - a normal biological response - to be angry when someone mistreats you, neglects you, abandons you, and/or abuses you… even if these acts were unintentional. The intention of the other person is not the point, how it affected the receiver (the person trying to forgive) is the part that needs to be addressed within themselves for them to fully heal & to allow forgiveness to transpire. If you suppress your anger, it stays within you, and it becomes impossible to fully forgive…

YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL IF YOU TRULY WANT TO HEAL.

This doesn’t mean you need to take your anger out on anyone else, including the person who hurt you, but it does mean you need to acknowledge it... and FEEL it within your body. Only then can you alchemize it & transmute it fully so it’s not trapped within you. Only THEN can you truly forgive & release the chains of resentment.

(You can express your anger to the person who hurt you if you feel like it’s necessary for your healing… just realize you do not need ANYTHING from them for you to heal. You don’t need an apology. You don’t need them to own it. You don’t need them to admit to any wrongdoing. If you do choose to tell the other person about your anger just be prepared for them to deny your reality because that is a VERY good possibility from someone who hasn’t done “the work” themselves… because they don’t have the capacity to face their own pain & shame for the way they behaved in those situations, so they deflect & deny, because it’s the only way they can live with that shame & pain. It’s not your job to convince anyone else that your reality is real… your only job is to stop gaslighting yourself about your reality & to accept it for what it was/is. So, be discerning… but, know it is possible to express anger in a healthy, loving way with another person. By being 100% honest you can actually deepen a relationship with someone who’s willing to repair the conflict, but they have to be willing to repair it too.)

I genuinely do want to forgive the people who have hurt me throughout my lifetime. I’m tired of carrying around this resentment. It’s heavy.

So, I am allowing myself to feel my rage because I know that’s what will eventually lead me to forgiveness & letting go. If I’m being honest, it feels overwhelming to feel anger, because I never allowed myself to feel it before… So, I titrate it. This allows me to stay firmly grounded in the present, as I process the anger from the past… that’s how you heal from emotional pain, safely - slowly, in small amounts. There is no rushing the process. It happens at the pace it needs to happen. As I feel this, I am accepting myself & all of my emotions, and I am loving myself as I move through it… I am being the loving, supportive person I needed back then. I must release any judgment of myself for having these feelings of rage, and I must release the judgment that I “should” be further along… it will take as long as it takes. If I start to judge any of this, or I try to rush it, I’ll end up preventing the process from completing, and I’ll stay stuck in unforgiveness…

I’m also keeping strict boundaries and limited access to the people who hurt me as I’m working through this anger toward them… because it’s necessary for my healing. I don’t want to overwhelm my nervous system by seeing them too much, and I don’t want to reactively hurt them today, because they don’t deserve to be hurt by me despite what they’ve done… That’s what turning the other cheek is. It’s not allowing ourselves to be mistreated, it’s turning away from the mistreatment, and healing ourselves without retaliation… because hurting others, hurts us too. I don’t need to hurt anymore from this than I already do.

So, as uncomfortable as it is to sit in these emotions of anger & rage, I trust that eventually I will no longer be burdened by them if I allow the process of feeling, alchemizing & releasing to happen.

I’ll chip away at this boulder in my chest piece by piece… it may never dissipate completely, but over time, it has, and it will continue to become a smaller, less cumbersome stone… and hopefully, eventually, it will become a pebble-sized pain, instead of being the crushing weight that’s kept me stuck in the past.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. By allowing yourself this freedom you become free.

XO,

Stacie