Life Is Hard, But Suffering Is A Choice.
You can’t control how others perceive you, but you can control the energy you bring to the situation.
When we experience conflict with other people, it’s really easy to start obsessing about how we’re being perceived by them. We may spend our time & energy trying to show them that they have the wrong idea about us. We try to convince them with words to see us a different way, but that rarely, if ever, works. People see us through their own “lens” of life experiences. If someone is determined to misunderstand you and refuses to listen to your perspective, there’s nothing you can do with words to convince them otherwise.
A much better approach is to focus on the energy you’re bringing to the situation… because you may be unknowingly giving off a different vibration than you realize. Even if you keep your composure while talking, the other person can sense your emotional state about a situation. We are energetic beings. We sense from others more than we hear from others. It’s a survival mechanism that’s built into our nervous systems. It’s kept our species alive because it’s alerted us to danger from our surroundings throughout history. When someone’s energy doesn’t match their words, we sense it… it puts us on high alert, which then changes the energy that we give out.
So, how do you change your energy? You get out of your head, and into your body. You create safety within.
How do you do that? You begin to question yourself, not the other person…
What’s the story you’re telling yourself about the situation?
Are you telling yourself “They don’t like me/respect me because of how I look… because I’m too young/too old… because I’m a man/woman… etc.”?
The reality is, when we feel like someone doesn’t like us, or respect us, or whatever… we actually have no idea why they may feel that way. Even if they tell us why, it may not be the true reason why, because they may not know the true reason why… they just feel like something is “off”.
So, to change the perception of others, it’s not about convincing them that we’re different with words, it’s about showing up with a different energy in the situation.
How do we do this? We question the story we’re telling ourselves because that story is what determines if we feel threatened or safe in a situation, which is what affects our nervous system…
The work of Byron Katie is very helpful in this situation. She asks 4 questions that lead to peace…
Is this true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react - what happens - when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
So, let’s go with the examples from above…
The story: “They don’t like me/respect me because of how I look… because I’m too young/too old… because I’m a man/woman… etc.”
Is this true?
It feels true.
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
No, I cannot know with absolute certainty that these reasons are why this person is not listening to me or understanding me.
How do I react - what happens - when I believe this thought?
I feel stressed out.
It feels threatening to feel like someone doesn’t like me for something I have no control over.
It makes me question whether I am capable… maybe they’re right?
It makes me reactive & resentful toward them.
It makes me feel like I have to be perfect all of the time.
Who would I be without this thought?
I would be calmer.
I would be able to separate myself from them and realize that my internal dialogue is not their internal dialogue. The voice in my head is my voice, not theirs. My internal voice has been shaped by the external voices I heard growing up during my developmental years… the same is true for them, but the voices they heard were completely different than mine.
I would understand the lens through which I look at the world is different than theirs because my lens is based on my past experiences, and how my brain interprets this current experience based on my past. (We only recognize something we’ve seen before. When we see something today, our brain searches its database of what it’s seen before, and creates an algorithm of sorts to try and make sense of what we’re seeing now… that’s what creates the lens that we each look through.) Knowing that, I realize that we all have a different “prescription” for our lenses. I wouldn’t think less of a person because they needed a different prescription of glasses to see the world than me… the same is true for the invisible lens we all look through.
Since I no longer feel threatened, I can objectively look at all of the evidence that proves to myself that I am capable. Even if the other party doesn’t see this evidence… because I know I am capable, I no longer need them to know. I can move forward confidently in the situation.
I can realize that I am creating a story about them, just like they’re creating a story about me. I can understand how bad that feels to have stories created about me that aren’t necessarily true. With this realization, I can more easily forgive them for their humanness, and realize I am the same - an imperfect human creating stories. I wouldn’t want someone to expect me to be perfect all of the time, so I shouldn’t expect that from them either. (This doesn’t mean we should stay in a situation where we’re being abused, but it does allow us to understand why this person behaves the way they do… we can have compassion for our abuser’s humanness, as we feel empowered to set a better boundary or leave the situation if they do not respect that boundary.)
The final question Byron Katie asks is…
Can I think of a reason to hold onto this thought?
Only people who want to play the victim in their lives continue to hold onto these beliefs… but, we are not victims of our circumstances. Our circumstances are a result of the decisions we’ve made.
If we continue to hold onto these false narratives, we are inflicting our own suffering… not the other person. We are solely responsible for how we perceive our experience… and how we choose to perceive it will affect how we show up energetically. If we feel threatened, we will show up as threatening. If we feel grounded & connected to our Self, we will show up with a different energy that is more calmly received by the other party.
The decision is ours.
Learning to detach from our thoughts is powerful because it empowers us to move through life with a different energy. Instead of using all of our energy to fight off invisible (and not real/imagined) threats, we can instead use that energy for more… for our purpose… for connection… for creating the life that we want.
When you feel safe internally, you show up differently.
You can’t control others, but you can control how you show up, and that will influence others to show up too.
You are more powerful than you know. Own it.
XO,
Stacie