The Victim Triangle
The Karpman Triangle, also known as the ‘Drama Triangle’ or ‘Victim Triangle’ is a concept Psychologist Stephen Karpman introduced in 1968. It demonstrates how people take on dysfunctional roles to address conflict. The behavior stems from a need to be perceived as 'right' or 'approved' in our minds or that of others.
I think most of us learn these behaviors as we engage with other messy humans…
I know I used to plant myself in one corner of the triangle & I’d create a narrative to support it - I’d die on that hill to prove I was right. I mean, I still do initially create a narrative that supports one of these positions, when I’m in conflict if I’m being honest, but now I don’t dig in my heels & stay there. I start to question my narrative of how I view myself in this conflict. I look at my position in the triangle from an outside perspective, and I become aware that I’m falling into my old dysfunctional programming. Then I’m able to change my narrative, and subsequently my behavior, and interact with other messy humans in a healthier way…
The way I recognize that I’m falling into that dysfunctional pattern is when my inclination is to use “You” statements during a conflict like…
“You always…” or “You never…”
When I see/hear myself doing this I ask myself “What do I need in this situation?”
Once I identify what I think I need, sometimes I ask the other party to fulfill that need, if it’s appropriate… because being in a relationship does require certain relational needs to be met.
If the other party is unwilling or unable to fulfill my need, instead of staying in my corner of choice for that day - victim, rescuer, or persecutor…
I look deeper & ask myself…
“What is the need under that need?”
The deeper need is always a need to feel witnessed, to feel safe, or at peace. This is when I give myself permission to feel what I feel, to need what I need, and to desire what I desire- without judgment. That freedom gives me peace & safety within myself because I witnessed myself fully. From this place, I can choose to interact with the other party - or not - from a regulated state, instead of a reactive state.
Relating to other humans is messy. We cannot control other people, but we can control the energy we bring to the dynamic. Being regulated & calm is a way to own our power fully. Being radically honest with ourselves about our part in the dynamic is how we do that… being 100% honest about our capacity & owning it fully, without apology…
That is how you set healthy boundaries.
I’m still figuring it all out… you are too…
Let’s give ourselves grace, as well as everyone else….
We’re all doing the best we can at any given moment. Understanding this allows us to connect with ourselves & others, which is what gives life meaning & purpose… because it’s what we were designed to do.
XO,
Stacie