The Boundaries Muscle Workout (aka Life)
Lately I have been given opportunity, after opportunity, after opportunity to establish, and enforce, boundaries in different areas of my life. I keep having uncomfortable situations arise where I have to have difficult conversations, or I have to ask for a need to be met, or I have to make a decision about what I will give my time and energy to. Each instance feels unnerving, because for so long I had no boundaries…
I learned to self-abandon at a very early age. It was a way to keep myself safe in a chaotic, volatile environment. It was a way for me to seek approval & ‘love’ from my caretakers. I learned to “fawn” which is a way of people-pleasing to keep the peace. When you “fawn” you mold yourself into whatever the circumstances you are in deem appropriate… but, eventually, fawning felt like a noose around my neck.
So, instead of fawning, I began to fight, but that felt scary to me. So, I learned to flee instead. I’d simply remove myself from any uncomfortable feelings, conflicts or discussions. This felt better in the moment, but it led to isolation & disconnection from myself & others… because I was denying the part of myself that deeply desired connection with others… and conflict is part of connecting with other humans. I thought I was the “bigger person” with this approach, but I realize now that it was just me avoiding the hard stuff.
After coming to this realization, I have started forcing myself to stay in the uncomfortable. Now, my automatic response is to freeze in conflict…
To help mitigate this, I have started implementing the “pause” when I feel the freeze. I have come to realize that very few scenarios actually require an immediate response. So, when I am presented with a difficult situation, I allow myself to pause & feel into what feels right for me. Taking the immediate pressure off to respond allows my nervous system to relax. Then I can make a proactive decision, instead of a reactive decision. In the moments where an immediate response is requested, I simply acknowledge the request, to let the other party know I see them, and I ask for additional time to respond. This is usually granted, and instances where it’s not, I know it’s simply the other party’s nervous system overreacting to what feels like a threat to them… so, I assure them I will give an answer as soon as I am able to.
Implementing these tactics has helped me start implementing healthier boundaries, instead of either living in resentment towards others for overstepping my boundaries… or building walls & isolating myself to avoid conflict completely.
Even though it’s been unnerving lately with all of these uncomfortable situations in my life, and part of me is like “WTF is happening?!?!”… another part of me knows this is a good “boundary muscle workout” for me. As I move through each uncomfortable situation, I am seeing myself making these decisions quicker & more confidently. I am hoping eventually, with enough practice, the “muscle-memory” of boundary establishment will become an automatic response, so I won’t have to take as long to make decisions about what is a “yes” and what is a “no” for me.
Learning to re-train the nervous system to be a boundary-setting system takes time. I overrode my needs & feelings for so long, that those neural pathways atrophied, but I can see they’re getting stronger… I see this because I am intentional about noticing my growth. EVERY single time I see myself setting a healthy boundary, or asking for a need to be met, I celebrate that. I acknowledge the positive changes I see in myself, and I re-enforce them with praise. (I literally talk to myself and tell myself I am proud of how I am of me for how I handled the situation)
Resentments are a mirror of what we are not giving ourselves. If you’re resentful towards someone else for their behavior, it’s a pretty good indication that you need to give yourself permission to do whatever it is you’re angry about…
Irritated that your spouse is watching TV instead of helping with housework? Give yourself permission to relax, without guilt.
Irritated that a coworker is dumping their work on you? Give yourself permission to say “no”, without guilt.
Irritated that your boss is calling you after hours? Give yourself permission to put your phone on ‘Do not disturb”, without guilt.
You are the only person who is responsible for establishing & enforcing your boundaries - no one else. If people are overstepping your boundaries, it’s because you’re letting them. You decide who has access to you, and how much access they have… this goes for family members, kids, friends, coworkers, etc.
Keep flexing those boundary muscles, and overtime, your strong, healthy boundaries will be able to hold up your happy, fulfilling life… which will allow you to relax and fully embrace the wonderfully, joyful human you were designed to be - you are a human BEing, not a human DOing…
Boundaries allow you to BE exactly that.
XO,
Stacie