What are your ANTs?
What are your ANTs?
ANTs is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts…
We all have them.
These automatic thoughts are developed from our childhood experiences and the messages we were given by caregivers & institutions (such as religion) we were exposed to during our formative years.
As a person who grew up in a very verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive & neglectful household, as well as in religion, those ANTs were VERY prominent for me well into my adulthood… until I started doing “the work” to heal & change my patterns.
Prior to “the work” I HATED myself for many, MANY years… the belief that I am inherently bad/sinful, the belief that there’s something wrong with me, the belief that I am unlovable as I am, that I’m too much, that I’m not enough, etc. ruled my life… the self-hatred I developed because of these thoughts caused me to treat my body terribly, to hold myself to impossibly perfect standards (which led to more shame because I couldn’t achieve/maintain them), I self-abandoned to people-please & earn love, I overworked myself to prove I was worth something, I developed autoimmune problems, I numbed out any chance I got, I was depressed, anxious, and more…
It’s taken a lot of therapy & awareness to realize that thoughts are just thoughts… and thoughts are NOT me. I am separate from my thoughts, and because of that, I have the ability to choose which ones I believe. I can’t control what automatic thoughts arise, but I can control the power I give them over my life.
Today, I like myself most of the time, and I treat myself with love, even on the days I don’t like myself. Those ANTs are still there under the surface, and they do get triggered, but I have learned to consciously re-parent myself when this happens. It looks like this…
Through 12-step work I have come to realize at the very base of my ANTs are the beliefs that I am not only unlovable as I am, but that I don’t even have the right to exist at all - that I am unwanted here on this earth. (That’s the message that was imprinted on me at a very young age) Rejection, or perceived rejection, triggers these core beliefs within me. Before “the work” I would unconsciously engage self-sabotaging behaviors to either reaffirm these beliefs and/or avoid feeling the pain associated with them… which would cause more shame, and deepen the cycle even more…
But, with the healing tools I’ve learned, I can now separate myself from these thoughts when they arise, which prevents me from utilizing self-sabotaging behaviors of my past, which prevents additional shame…
After the trigger is over, I can regulate my nervous system & reaffirm myself that I am lovable, I am wanted, and I am supposed to be here… that’s what conscious re-parenting looks like.
This will be a forever ongoing process for me, but it’s worth it…
When you find ANTs creeping in, I encourage you to not only question the thoughts themselves, but also ask yourself “Who/where/when did I first receive this message?” That will allow your Self to separate from the thought, because you’ll realize it’s not really even your voice speaking…
Forgiving the unhealed humans who planted those ANTs within us is an ongoing process too. It takes conscious reminders that they have their own ANTs, which is what causes them to behave in the way they did/do. Understanding their own internal pain about this allows us to have empathy towards them, without saying what they did was justified… because it wasn’t. The stages of grief must be felt before forgiveness can be embodied… and that process will likely be lifelong as well…
It can feel exhausting to know that ANTs will never go away completely, but from my experience, it’s much more exhausting letting them take over your life…
So, I choose to continue to do “the work”, because at least I don’t fucking hate myself everyday…
Wherever you go, there you are. So, be kind to yourself. You deserve to be treated well… despite what you were told way back when. 😉🫶🏻
XO,
Stacie