Maybe I’m Not An Idiotic American???
This move abroad is already showing me the parts of myself I haven’t seen in a while…
Yesterday, I made a TikTok about how I felt like an idiot American abroad and gave some examples of why. I had several encouraging comments on the video, which was nice, but one in particular made me think...
It was from someone, presumably abroad, who said some really reassuring things, and ended the comment with “we’re actually very friendly.” The thing is, that is very true. Everyone has been so kind to me here, even when I’m doing “idiotic American things.” I’m sure my mishaps have annoyed some people, but no one has expressed that annoyance to me. In fact, I’ve had complete strangers help me, multiple times, when they see I’m struggling. Even on the bus, when people were laughing about how much luggage we had, it was all with kindness… they conversed with us, and asked us questions, instead of being rude, snapping a judgment or rolling their eyes… No one here has told me I’m a bother…
That is 100% my own inner critic…
It’s the recovering perfectionist within me that doesn’t want to show I’m human… the hyper independent part of me that doesn’t want to ask for help… the neglected part of me that is afraid to be a burden… and the rejected part of me that is afraid to take up space & be seen. I’ve spent 10+ years in therapy understanding these parts, and coming to the realization that that’s what they are - parts of me that developed in order to survive abuse & neglect - but, they are not me… they just get really loud when I’m being challenged in some way, which is exactly what’s happening now.
Back home, I had created a life that wasn’t what I would describe as necessarily comfortable in the US, but it was definitely familiar. It had its challenges, for sure, but I knew how to survive in those challenges… now that I’ve stripped that familiarity away, it’s challenging ME to grow in ways I don’t think I could, had I continued the rest of my life in my familiar environment…
I’ve talked many times about how this move abroad wasn’t a calculated, perfectly designed next step for me… it was just something I knew I needed to do. I knew I needed a change of scenery, even if I didn’t yet know what my new environment was supposed to be… It’s just something I could feel, just like a seedling that’s outgrown its pot… that inner-knowing doesn’t always make sense, but it’s always right. So, now I’m on a quest to find & cultivate an environment in which I can not just survive, but actually thrive.
You are allowed to outgrow the life you once wanted. Keep the wisdom… Rewrite the ending.
No more “What Ifs?”
With love,
Stacie