Gentle, But Tough
As a coach, I walk a fine line with clients - gentle & tough.
The reason is, I know that when someone is ready to do something - they’ll do it.
When they’re not - they won’t.
There’s nothing I can do or say to make them ready… All I can do is walk beside them, support them, and give them resources… but, ultimately they are the ones who have to take the action.
When I was deep in codependency, I would take responsibility for everyone else’s actions, feelings, and outcomes. I would criticize & get frustrated. I would put my worth in whether they succeeded or not. I outsourced my power to others.
I also did this with myself… I would criticize myself & shame myself for not being perfect. I tied my worthiness to my performance. The problem with this approach is if I feared I couldn’t do something perfectly… I didn’t do it at all. I would live in this cycle of self-criticism & shame… and never fully living the life that I wanted because I was stuck in these behaviors. It felt awful.
Back then, my criticism with others was just a projection of what was happening within myself. I didn’t know any better… shame was all that used to try to get me to do something during my formative years.
But, shame does not create change….
Love does.
After doing “the work” I now recognize when I’m feeling critical of others, it’s really a reflection of something I’m struggling with myself. Everything we see in others is a mirror within ourselves - good & bad. Now, I am able to separate myself from my own critical thoughts, an realize they’re not true, but they are simply shining a light on an area of my life where I need more healing…
Today, I am gentle with myself, and I realize I’m doing the best I can at any given moment… my best just looks different from day to day.. I actively practice love & forgiveness to the girl inside of me that behaved in a way that no longer aligns with who I am today or who I want to be tomorrow, but was doing the best she could with what she had at the time. She is deserving of love… even in her dysfunctional, destructive state just as much as the parts of me that are put together.
When I do this - show myself love & forgiveness - in my current & past struggles, I am able to take action to move forward & create something new… something my soul truly desires.
You can’t move forward if you’re spending your energy beating yourself up for where you are or for where you’ve been.
Because of my own self-work of healing my own codependency, I am able to help others. I am able to show them compassion & support - without criticism. I am able to tell them my story of my journey… and hopefully it gives them hope that they will be able to overcome these same struggles… because any growth they see in me, is a reflection of what is possible in them.
Everyone is a mirror. Surround yourself with people who demonstrate the qualities you want to express within yourself… your success is not dependent on the people around you, but it feels easier when you get to see first-hand these qualities in action. If you don’t see these attributes in your circle - hire a coach. 😉 But seriously… You deserve to feel supported in your journey. You are capable of whatever it is you desire… that desire was put in your heart for a reason - honor it. Because that’s what your soul came here to do. 💖
XO,
Stacie