Goodbye Girls

I have decided to have my breast implants removed, as I do believe they are contributing to my autoimmune issues and declining health.

I’m sure that may come as a shock to some, as most people are unaware that I have implants, as they look natural.

When I was 22, I decided to have breast augmentation surgery. Why? Honestly, I don’t know. I actually didn’t hate my breasts… I hated sooooooooo many things about my body back then – my thighs, my butt, my nose, my hair, my skin, my legs – so many things, but my breasts weren’t one of them. So, why did I get them? The only logical answer I can come up with is… Because the mind will focus on the exterior “flaws”, when it’s trying to avoid the interior pain.

I grew up in a very abusive household. I was made to feel unworthy and not valued in every way possible. I later grew up and found myself in an abusive relationship in my early 20s. I hated myself, and I found someone to verify all of the reasons why I should hate myself. I hated how I looked. I hated how I acted. I felt like everyone hated me too… and that was the narrative that was repeated to me over and over by my boyfriend at the time. It’s so fucked up, but it felt “normal”, so it felt “right”…. even though it was sooooo wrong.

My best friend at the time had breast augmentation herself during that time, and I honestly think that was the first I even considered the notion myself. I started noticing things that were “wrong” with my breasts, such as one was a full B cup, and one was a small C cup… this then became my obsession of something I needed to fix.

My boyfriend thought it was a great idea when I mentioned my sudden contemplation, and he even offered to pay half. (he didn’t) So, I decided to set up a consultation. I went in thinking that we would just talk to the doctor, and I would go home and think about it… I don’t think I really thought I would go through with it, but during the consultation visit it was just assumed by the staff that I would be having the surgery, and all of the sudden I found myself scheduling it.

I remember the day of the surgery I passed out as the doctor was marking me, as I was soooooo nervous.

I wanted to back out so many times, but I had no boundaries… I didn’t have the strength to say “no”…. a common issue that stems from growing up in an abusive household. I also didn’t want to look foolish, as I had told people I was going to do it. Also, I knew that if I did back out right then, I would later have the surgery because of my growing obsession with my “imperfect breasts”. So, I did it.

After my surgery, I jokiningly referred to them as “The Girls”. They took a while to get used to, as they felt very foreign to me. Clothes fit me differently, but over time I forgot I even had them. They became a part of me.

Now that I’m planning on having them removed I’m afraid of losing this part of me… I have so many thoughts going through my head…

What if I go through all of this and I don’t get better? Am really I strong enough to make this decision? What will people think? Will I lose business because of this? What will I look like? Will I be deformed for the rest of my life? Will anybody find me attractive? Could I create further complications by having the explantation surgery? Will I cause more financial burden with this decision? Could I die and orphan my child having this surgery? What will my daughter think when she finds out? What will other people think of me when they find out I have implants? What will people say about me after the surgery? Will people think I’m totally self-obsessed about my looks? Will people think I’m a terrible example for my daughter? What if people no longer think of me as a role model for health because of all of this? What if… What if… What if…

Nothing about this decision is easy. Easy would be keeping them and continue living the status quo that I’ve lived for nearly 2 decades.

The anxiety is real.

It’s hard not to regret the decision to get implants in the first place, as I wonder if I would’ve ever started experiencing these health problems if I hadn’t ever gotten them… but, I can’t change my past, so I have to focus on making my future healthy. All I can do is find purpose in this path I’ve taken. Finding purpose in a difficult situation helps me to make sense of my difficulties. It gives me some peace knowing that God will use my trials to help others… So, I’ve thought about it a lot…

What is the purpose of this?

Is it to warn people about possible negative health effects of breast implants? I don’t think so.

Is it to tell people about autoimmunity and my experience? Maybe…

After much thought and consideration, I feel that the purpose of this is to tell my story. How I came to the decision to have breast augmentation in the first place, and where I am now.

I feel my purpose is to show compassion.

I feel my purpose is to forgive.

I feel my purpose is not to preach, but to be an example of all these things.

I don’t blame my boyfriend at the time for this decision, even though he did strongly urge it… it was 100% my decision. Period. But, it wasn’t me – who I am today – that made that decision nearly 2 decades ago.

The decision to alter my body was made by a very troubled girl. A girl that was so silently depressed. A girl that felt no value whatsoever. A girl that felt she needed to “prove” herself. A girl who didn’t really even think she’d be around long enough to need to change out her implants at the recommended 10 year mark. A girl that was so incredibly broken she felt like a shell of a human.

That’s the person who made the decision.

I’m not blaming her either. She didn’t know any better. She wasn’t taught how to love herself. She wasn’t taught she was fearfully and wonderfully made. She wasn’t taught she had value or worth.

She was searching for her value. She was searching for her worth. She was searching for happiness. She was looking for something to control in a life that she felt was consuming her whole. She was searching for something, ANYTHING to fill that void… her looks and her body were something she could control, and for brief moments that made her feel significant… so, she focused on that and how to get more. And just like she learned for many years that people who loved her were allowed to abuse her, neglect her, and mistreat her… that’s exactly what she did to herself.

This is all she ever knew. So, I forgive her…

I have forgiven my abusers of my past because they were just repeating patterns and behaviors they had learned from their pasts… and I have forgiven that girl for doing the same. If I could go back and love her, cherish her, and show her she is valued, I would… but, I know that she wouldn’t have accepted that anyways. She would’ve pushed it away, because it felt wrong.

Today I love her…

I can honestly say that I love myself. I don’t always like myself, and how I look or act, but I always love myself… I love myself for everything I have been through, and how strong it made me. I love myself for stopping the cycle of abuse here. Hopefully my daughter will learn from my mistakes. I don’t have it all figured out, and I don’t really know how to let someone else love me the way I deserve to be loved, but I stopped the cycle of abuse. That’s fucking amazing. I do not want my daughter to see me being abused and think that is okay. I will not let anyone abuse her, demean her, or make her feel unworthy or not valued. I pray everyday that she sees in me that my worth comes from Christ… not how I look, not my accomplishments, not my profession, not a relationship, not anything of this world… my value is in Him. My hope is that she knows her value is in Him, as well.

I wrote this blog months ago when I first decided to explant. My thoughts about it today are much different…. My implants are not a part of me. I am at peace with my decision. Yes, I am nervous about it, as it is a major decision, but I am at peace with my beliefs about it or how others will view it. I know I’m making the right decision for me, and I pray that it will be the answer to the puzzle that is my declining health.

If you, or anyone you know, are dealing with breast implants, or breast implant illness, please reach out. The reason I tell my story is to help others… I know I’m not alone in this, and by talking about it I hope to help others feel less alone in this too. I currently experience 21 of these 42 common symptoms on a regular basis. I’m hoping to reduce that number greatly after I have had a chance to heal from this surgery, and everything that goes along with it. Prayers and good vibes for a quick recovery are appreciated.

Stay healthy, and know that YOU ARE WORTHY… just as you are,

Stacie Mountain

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