Hard Seasons
I originally wrote this a couple of weeks ago. Some of the circumstances have changed, but instead of editing it, I decided to publish the raw, real emotion I was feeling at the time…
I am currently walking through a hard season. I normally don’t write about hard things (publicly) until I’ve come out the other side, but this time I felt compelled to share my story, so here I am…
I won’t go into the details of everything that’s happening, but let’s just say shit seems to be coming at me from every angle lately… and I realize it’s all relative, what I’m going through isn’t nearly as hard as what other people are dealing with, but I don’t think it’s a healthy practice to downplay or dismiss our struggles in comparison to others… I believe that has an effect on our health and our overall wellbeing in the long run. So, I’ll talk a little about my stuff, in hopes that it gives courage to someone else to talk about theirs….
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had to make decisions I didn’t want to make, but were necessary to make. I’ve had people I care about struggling with really difficult situations. I know their struggles are not mine to take on, but my heart breaks for them… along with the normal daily stresses of life as a single mom, it just feels heavy at times. Over the years I’ve set up my own support system of friends, therapists, and more, so I don’t have to carry the load alone, which I’m grateful for.
Honestly, even though it was hard, I was managing well… until it involved my dad. He’s in the hospital, and it’s bringing a lot of stuff up in me.
My father and I have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years. Today we don’t, but in the past… whew… it was a doozy. My father is an alcoholic, and he was very abusive towards me in the past. He was a dry drunk growing up, so I never had to live in the house with his drinking, but as soon as my parents divorced when I left the home, he nearly drank himself to death for 20+ years. Then, about 4 years ago there was an incident that scared him enough to stop drinking. I wouldn’t say he’s sober, but he’s not completely checked out of life anymore which is an improvement.
About a year after his abstinence from alcohol he had a psychotic episode/mental breakdown. One day he just snapped. For REAL. He was suicidal, homicidal, he was hearing voices, hallucinating… the works. It was bananas. My thought is these issues have probably been there for a very long time, and he just self-medicated with booze… after that was gone, the crazy voices in his head took over.
When that incident happened, my siblings and I were suddenly thrown into the situation of becoming his DPOA when he was incapable of making decisions on his own. It was a clusterfuck tbh, because my dad had been so isolated for decades. We honestly didn’t know enough about him or his life to suddenly be making the decisions about it… but, we all came together and worked seamlessly through it. Honestly, I was impressed. lol My dad spent a couple of months in and out of care, from the ICU to the psych ward, and everything in between. Eventually he made it to assisted living, and once his meds were stabilized, he was able to live on his own again. Up until recently he’s lived peacefully, which has been nice.
During that breakdown was when my dad and I healed our relationship. I called him one night to check on him in the hospital. He was lucid, but scared. I think he honestly thought he was going to die. I assured him that everyone was trying to help him, and we would do what we could to help him feel okay again.
As we were talking, he said to me, “Stacie, when I was growing up, I saw my dad do terrible things to my sisters, and to me, but more so to my sisters” (his dad was an abusive alcoholic as well) He continued, “Stacie, I did those things to you. I didn’t know any better. I thought that’s how you were supposed to do things.”
I replied quietly, “I know, dad.”
Next, he said, “You were different than the other two. (my siblings) You were more strong-willed; you were just different. Honestly, I didn’t want you there most of the time, and I’m sure you didn’t want me there either.”
“No, I didn’t.” I replied. Then, I stopped him and said, “Dad, I forgive you. It wasn’t right, but I know you were doing the best you could do back then. I forgive all of it.”
My heart broke for him. I could feel the pain and regret in his voice, and the dark cloud of shame he envelops himself in to this day. The monster of my childhood, has become a frail, old man. As painful as it is to hear your father say he didn’t want you, it was also therapeutic in a way… just because he didn’t want me, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. He loved me in the best way he could… he didn’t love himself enough to love me more. In that moment I was able to show him mercy. Forgiving him released me of the bondage of hatred I had for him so long. It cracked my heart open to have compassion for this broken man.
I had actually already forgiven him way before this incident. I had wanted to tell him I had forgiven him, but I was too scared to ever bring up the subject… he had never admitted any fault, and I feared if I told him I forgave him, he would get angry and be abusive towards me. So, I held it in. Being able to say it out loud was a release.
Since that moment, he and I have had the best relationship we could have. Is it a model father-daughter relationship other people are striving to have? No, not in the least. But it’s the best we can do, so I choose to be grateful about that.
Last week, for whatever reason, he snapped again. He’s back in the psych unit now, which is good, because he was a danger to himself and others, and causing a lot of problems for a lot of people in his craziness. I don’t know why, but this incident is really affecting me in a way that it didn’t before. Last time I think I was just so thrown off by everything occurring so suddenly, I didn’t really have time to process all of it… I was just doing what I could to help relieve the burden on my siblings, since they live near him. This time though, I feel myself shutting down. There is an uneasiness & an ache in my chest that just won’t go away.
My dad called me at the beginning of this breakdown, and I was able to help calm him down, which was good… but, I don’t think talking to me is necessarily good for him… or for me. He starts spiraling into the past. It makes him manic and unsettled. It’s also having the same effect on me this time…
Normally I can talk about my past without much emotion. I’ve done a lot of therapy around it, so I feel like I had processed all of it, but holy shit… right now… uh no. All of my emotions are coming out of my eyeballs, and I fucking hate it.
I haven’t been as active in helping my siblings take care of my dad this time, and I haven’t been able to call him to check on him. I just can’t do it. There is a fear inside of me that I haven’t felt for years. I’m scared of what he’ll say to me on the phone. I’m having flashbacks to when I was a young adult, and I was still terrified of him… I used to have this reoccurring dream that my dad would knock on my door, I would open it, and he would shoot me in the head. I’d wake up in a panic. I had that dream for years. There was a period of time where he hated me that much, it really felt like a real possibility. Pretty fucked up, right?
All of this shit coming up has been overwhelming to say the least. Paralyzing almost.
To compound it, I made sure to feel guilty for not helping my siblings as much as I could… which honestly, there’s very little I could do here anyways. I live in a different state, and I am the last person my dad comes to about anything… but, I don’t think any crisis would be complete without a little bit of self-criticism in the mix. ;) lol
My self-critical mind keeps saying, “Toughen up. You’re a bad sister/daughter. You’re being overdramatic. Get over it, and move on…” and many other things… But my body is telling me otherwise… I‘ve learned over the years my mind will try to override what my body is telling me, but it’s best to listen to my body… I heal from whatever it is much quicker when I do. So, I quickly stopped that self-critical nonsense… I’m doing the best I can in this moment. Just like the grace I showed my dad, I deserve that same grace myself. When I can do better, I will. Until then, I will accept what is, and do what I can do in the capacity I am able to do it each day. For now, I’m doing the things necessary to care for my body and mind… Sometimes that’s yoga or meditation, sometimes that’s working up a sweat at the gym, sometimes it’s food, sometimes it’s a phone call to a friend, and sometimes it’s crying like a baby. It’s different from minute to minute what I need, but I’m honoring the signals my body is giving me. This allows me to still be present for my family, even if I’m not taking action in my dad’s care.
This is a hard season, but I know from past experiences… it’s just a season. It will pass. So, I’ll give myself the compassion and care that I need, and I’ll find ways to experience joy & laughter even in the darkness.
I can do hard things. You can too, friends. If you’re walking through a hard season, give yourself compassion and grace, and know that better days are coming…. They ALWAYS do.
Update: Since originally writing this, my dad has been released from the hospital. His medications have been adjusted, and he is home safe & sound. I have spoken to him once, and he seems to be doing well. I am also doing well. Even before he left the hospital, I started feeling better just by writing this, and talking about it with people I trust. Writing and talking are a way for me to process what I’m feeling on the inside, and it allows me to release it, so it doesn’t have a hold on me. I used to let my circumstances control my life. I didn’t allow others to help me, and I would feel guilty if I allowed myself to feel happiness when I was in the middle of struggle… that’s not the case anymore. Even though the words on this page are very real, raw emotions I was feeling at the time, I didn’t force myself to feel them every second of everyday… I felt everything I needed to feel, and I allowed myself moments of joy & laughter when I needed it too. I also took care of my body and myself in whatever way I needed, without judgement. Because of this, just a short time later, I feel a relief and a lightness within me.
One of the best things I ever did regarding my relationship with my dad, not necessarily about this instance, but in general - I sought therapy. I spent 35 years of my life thinking his actions had no effect on me. He was never at the forefront of my mind, and I rarely spoke about him… when I did, I would just say “My dad’s an asshole.”, and I’d change the subject really quickly. I honestly didn’t see how his abuse & drinking had an impact on me, and how I went through life. But, I’m here to tell you, if you’re walking around constantly saying “So-and-so is an asshole.” or you are avoidant of a person… that person’s actions are affecting your life. Even if the person’s actions are unintentional, and have absolutely nothing to do with you (which is the case 99.9% of the time btw) the way you’re responding is having an impact on your life. Through counseling I learned to let go of the shame around my relationship with my dad, and I learned to reframe…
I deserved a father who wanted me… but, because of him, I learned how to be independent and take care of myself. I deserved a father who loved me better… but, because of him, I learned that we all love others at the capacity at which we love ourselves. It taught me that if I want to be a better mother to my own daughter, I have to let go of self-hatred, and learn to love myself where I am at any moment… only then can I love her the way she needs me to love her. I deserved a father who didn’t check out of life and into a bottle for 2 decades of my life… but, he showed me how I never want to cause that void for my own daughter, so today I am present and sober for her. I deserved a father who made me feel safe… but, because of him, I am strong – one of the things I love most about myself. I deserved a father who built me up and supported me… but, because of him, I learned to stop constantly seeking approval of others to make me feel confident enough to do something – I learned to just do whatever it is even when I don’t feel confident at all. Because of his incapability & inadequacies I developed strength & perseverance, and I use those qualities in positive ways in my own life… so, I am grateful.
We don’t always get what we deserve in life, but with everything, we have the choice to take what we get and use it to either make us bitter or to make us better… I choose the latter.
Whatever you’re walking through, feel every emotion you need to feel about it, but do not for one second feel guilty for experiencing the full capacity of being human. Remove the idea that you “should” be anything other than what you are in the moment. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be, and trust that when you’re ready, you’ll move to a place even better.
xo,
Stacie
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