What’s the point?

“What’s the f***ing point?” is the thought that crossed my mind recently, and I’ll be honest… it scared me.

As I’ve written about, I’ve been going through a hard season. When it rains, it pours, right?

So, what made me have the thought “What’s the point?”

I was in a moment of self-pity and despair when I began to question my sobriety… because sometimes, it’s really fucking hard to do life sober.

I quit drinking 4 ½ years ago at the beginning of my autoimmune journey. The last time I drank I had a severe inflammatory reaction to the alcohol, which debilitated me for nearly a week. It scared the crap out of me. I had never experienced anything like it. So, I decided to quit drinking for a while, until I knew what the heck was going on with my body.

Over time I realized I was a much better mom to my daughter. I was present, and I found joy in things that I didn’t before. I was never a daily drinker. I mainly drank on the weekends I didn’t have her. So, I had no idea that alcohol could affect my physiology for weeks at a time, but it sure did.

I had gone through long periods of time without drinking over my lifetime, for competitions and stuff like that… but, this was the first time I actually sat in sobriety. You see, I am a person who trades one vice for another. I’ve used so many things over my lifetime to avoid pain or confronting feelings I didn’t want to feel, it’s crazy. From alcohol to food… followed by compulsive exercise to beat the shit out of my body for the food… to codependency, relationships & sex… to shopping… to mindlessly scrolling social media for hours at a time. If there was a way for me to check out, I would… and I feel like I’m in the majority here. I think it’s human nature. Since I was having all of my health problems coinciding with my abstinence from alcohol, I actually had to be present. I couldn’t exercise. I had to feed my body well. I had to feel all of the emotions and feelings of life, and to be honest… it kinda sucked… but, overtime it was freeing, and I experienced joy in a way that I never had before.

Brene Brown says “You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb (hard feelings), we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.” I have found this to be 100% true.

Over time, I learned to love myself enough to want a life of sobriety for myself… not just for my daughter’s sake. I’ve been steady in my sobriety ever since, and for the most part, I haven’t wanted to drink. Now, don’t get me wrong… even though I haven’t picked up a drink in over 4 years, I’ve still done shit that I would not consider sober in anyway shape or form, but as a recovering perfectionist, I choose to focus on where I’ve made progress, and give myself grace for where I’ve fucked up… the important thing is I don’t continue to repeat those same unhealthy behaviors. At least now I recognize when I’m engaging in unhealthy behaviors, and I can choose to stop them… sometimes I still choose to say “fuck it” and intentionally do something unhealthy, but I understand the consequences now… whereas before I was going through life wondering why my life didn’t look the way I wanted it to look, not realizing it was due to choices I was making on a daily basis.

So, since sobriety has been such a blessing, why on earth would I have the thought “What’s the point of sobriety?” on day 1,672 without a drink?

Well, to put it bluntly, I was basically having a temper tantrum of not getting my way. lol

One person did something so minute, that any other day where I wasn’t already losing it from all of the issues around my Dad, I would’ve just gone on with my day probably not giving it another thought. But, this day, I was a freaking mess. I had been crying off & on all day long, sporadically, so when this small thing happened… the water works came on full blast. I could not stop crying. I was in full immersion of my pity party, and in that moment, I thought about going to get a bottle of wine. I thought “What is the fucking point of being sober? I still don’t have X, and I still don’t have Y, and I still don’t have Z…” I went down the list of all of the things I don’t have even though I’m doing the hard work of being sober, and some of the things I actually did have when I was drinking…

That downward spiral scared me. It was the first time in a long time where I didn’t give a shit about my wellbeing. For me, to drink alcohol would be like setting myself on fire. Literally. The inflammation would cause me so much physical pain… not to mention the emotional pain that would happen afterwards would be even greater…. You see, even though perfectionism is a character flaw I’m trying to get rid of, in a way, it’s saved me. When I first quit drinking a friend and I jokingly downloaded a sobriety app, and I put the date of my last drink… not realizing it might actually be my last drink. I know the perfectionist in me would go into a shame spiral if I had to reset it now… as silly as that seems. I mean, no one would know if I did or didn’t reset it. No one is checking it to see if I’ve been perfect. Honestly, no one gives a shit about my sobriety counting app, or my sobriety for that matter… but, I would know. I would know that in a moment of despair I intentionally hurt myself. I would know that in a moment of crisis I decided to play God in my life instead of letting God work his goodness. I would know that I had healthy options, but I chose to do the thing that would likely spiral me into a completely unhealthy lifestyle both physically & mentally. I would know.

In that moment of thinking of self-harm, I did something that would’ve been foreign to me prior to my work and healing in sobriety… I called a friend, and I actually let her help me. That decision is not my default. My default is to suffer alone and to not burden anyone else with my struggles. My default is to hide in shame when I don’t have my shit together. My default is to turn my attention to others and try to “fix” them. My default is not healthy… but, through sobriety, apparently, I have developed a new default. No, it doesn’t happen 100% of the time for me to immediately reach out for help, but it is becoming a more frequent occurrence, and each time that “muscle” gets a little bit stronger.

Sobriety doesn’t mean life will always go my way. It’s not always sunshine & rainbows. It’s not always happiness, and sometimes it’s really fucking hard… but, sobriety has given me tools to become the woman I always wanted to be. It’s given me freedom from bondage of resentments and shame. It’s given me joy because I can finally experience life fully. My sobriety is a gift.

I’m so grateful I chose not to drink (or do any other unhealthy coping mechanisms I’ve used in the past). The following day I woke up and I felt better. All of the shit I was dealing with before was still there, but I was proud of myself for not giving up on myself. If I had drank (or anything else), it would’ve just added to my struggles, and I would’ve felt worse… much worse.

My dad remained in the hospital for another week and a half, but this change in focus from my pain & despair to a focus of gratitude for my healthy action removed the hold the circumstances around my dad had on me. After this one healthy choice, I felt better… I felt happier… life wasn’t as heavy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with alcohol, but if I would’ve chosen to drink for this reason, it would’ve been self-destructive because of the reason…

So, “What is the point?’ of my sobriety? The point is every time I make a healthy choice, I trust myself a little more. These choices aren’t limited to alcohol… they also span through healthy food choices, healthy relationship choices, and more. Self-trust and trusting a Higher Power to guide me is what allows me to live happy, joyous, and free even during hard seasons. External circumstances and other people no longer have the hold on me the way they used to… how I react to them is what determines my peace.

If you can relate to any of my story, please know that you’re not alone, and it’s not impossible to change your default. I am living proof of that. The majority of us were modeled unhealthy behaviors in some way… if we can learn unhealthy behaviors, we can learn healthy ones to replace them. There’s nothing special about me, I just simply followed the call God had on my life to go down the path of sobriety. I owe all of my strength to Him. That strength is available to anyone who wants it… including you.

We can do hard things, friends.

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