A Tale of Two Therapists
Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a huge proponent of therapy. I always say “Everyone should be in therapy”. I’d estimate 99% of the world’s problems would go away if everyone would just deal with their shit. But then society might collapse because we wouldn’t be sold on all of the bullshit that is sold to us as a way to “solve our problems”… So, because of that mental health has been stigmatized… gotta keep the systems going, right?! ;)
But, I’m not about that shit. I will openly talk about the benefits of therapy, and the struggles I’ve had throughout my lifetime if it can help just one person with their struggles… finding purpose in pain is my motto, and it has been a life saver. Literally.
For the majority of the last 7 years, I have been in some type of therapy. I’ve done conventional talk therapy, as well as EMDR to work through trauma from the ambulance, relationships, and more. They have been great tools in me figuring out why the hell I do the things I do, and the EMDR was helpful in lowering my trauma response to certain situations. Over time I’ve “re-wired” myself, and I no longer gravitate towards unhealthy coping mechanisms of my past. I no longer choose dysfunctional/abusive relationships. I no longer spin my wheels wondering why I can’t get my shit together when I’m trying so damn hard to do the right thing.
Therapy has changed my life.
However, with each counselor/therapist I’ve gone to over the years, there comes a point where we kinda stall out. My brain is a tricky devil that will do anything it can to block breakthroughs if it fears there will be pain coinciding that breakthrough. So, I take time off in between counselors, until my brain is ready to do the work again… usually when I’m in the middle of a crisis, and I feel myself starting to flail… that’s when I get back into counseling.
Last year, though, nothing in particular was going on. For some reason I just thought I should get back into it. I kept hearing about Somatic Therapy which is a therapy that incorporates mind/body together. This really interested me. When I first started having autoimmune issues a few years ago I read the book “The Body Keeps Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, MD. It’s all about the link of trauma and disease, especially autoimmune diseases. There is a rising theory that autoimmunity is almost a disease of ‘self-hatred’ to put it simply. Not that the person necessarily hates themselves, but the body stores trauma, and gets ‘confused” trying to protect the person from that trauma, but ends up destroying healthy tissues instead. Autoimmunity of any type is pretty similar at the root, it just manifests differently in different people, which is why there are different diagnoses.
This theory was very interesting to me, as I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. I mean we’ve all experienced trauma… being born is a traumatic process, that bully in the 3rd grade is traumatic, divorce, death, etc. But I think people have a tendency to discount the “little t trauma” like the bully in the 3rd grade, and feel like they don’t have trauma unless it’s earth-shattering. That’s simply not true. If you are a living, breathing being on this earth… you have trauma. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s simply what we call “life” in the English language…. Welcome to the club, human. ;)
Anyways, knowing that trauma could possibly have an effect on my health, I was interested in the mind/body therapy. So, I typed into Dr. Google, and found a practitioner near me. Unfortunately, that practitioner had a full patient load, so the associating clinic sent me to a different counselor. This one wasn’t actually trained in Somatic Therapy, only talk therapy. I didn’t realize that at first, so I had my first telehealth session with her… Friends, she’s young. I don’t know how young, but young enough that my egotistical 42-year-old mind was like “WTF does she know about life? How the fuck can she help me?’ But, in my attempt to stop being a control freak about every aspect of my life, and allowing what is meant for me to come to me… I gave her a chance. And, wouldn’t you know it, she’ll freaking ask me questions that challenge me… like a therapist should. “Fiiiiiiine” I told the Universe. I’ll keep seeing her. The great thing about this therapist is she’s covered by my insurance, and because of COVID and telehealth, my insurance company is covering the cost of my copay… sooo…. Free therapy! Yay! :)
A couple of months into working with her, I was told I have Lupus. My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to see one of the other counselors that specializes in Reiki (energy healing) and Lumni therapy. (a type of Somatic Therapy) So, I began alternating between the two.
Yes, I have 2 therapists… because I’m double crazy. ;) (Not really… I’m just a girl that isn’t afraid to do the hard things in life anymore)
Adding this 2nd type of therapy has been transformative. I’m so in my head all of the time, I don’t always recognize when things are affecting me physically… which they do. This therapy has helped me work through chronic pain in my body, and has helped me be able to do things like meditate. I seem to be able to calm my nervous system down a lot more now than I used to, which is key for keeping my Lupus in remission… stress makes it go haywire. I’m by no means a Tibetan monk that can meditate for hours or days at a time, but by continuing to practice these principles I am getting incrementally better… progress is progress, no matter how slow. I will say that I feel like I feel all of the feels these days, and I feel like I cry all of the fucking time, which is annoying as hell. For someone who spent the majority of her adult life as an emotional zombie (i.e. emotionally dead) as a way to protect herself from shit she saw on the ambulance, and relational trauma… feeling shit, and having emotions is something I’m getting used to. For years I felt like my “cryer” was broken lol, but now… it’s working… good thing I wear waterproof mascara. ;) I don’t really know if I’m actually “feeling” more than the average person now, or if this is how everyone else feels… I just know that I am walking through life no longer numb to the world around me. I feel incredibly sensitive to things now, but that may just be a healthy response to life… time will tell.
I’m hoping the combination of these 2 therapies will be the key to my next breakthrough. I’ve made SOOOOOOO much progress in my life the last 7 years, but there are certain areas I still struggle greatly. The thing I’ve realized is I’ll never be “done”. There will never come a day where everything is “fixed”… in fact, I’ve let go of the idea that I need to be “fixed” at all. Instead, I look at everything along my journey as just one more thing God is revealing to me. That’s it. It’s not “good” or “bad” it’s just what it is. Thinking this was has made me realize (logically) there’s nothing inherently wrong with me… I’m simply human. Now, that negative voice in my head likes to constantly tell me there’s something wrong with me, but through therapy I have been able to quiet that voice where it’s not making me reactive and controlling my life. Now, I question that voice, and if I can find ANY evidence that it’s wrong, I tell it to shut the fuck up. It doesn’t always listen lol, but it sure feels good to say it. ;)
If you are human (and I’m assuming if you’re reading this you are lol) then I encourage you to get into any type of therapy you feel called to try. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It doesn’t make you weak… in fact, it’s one of the bravest things you could ever do. I know. We aren’t meant to go through life alone. We’re made to connect with others. Sometimes family and friends mean well, but since they’re family and friends, they like have similar dysfunctions as us… having a non-partisan, outside perspective can often give clarity where things were murky before. There doesn’t have to be a major crisis in life to seek therapy… it’s simply a tool to help us all “level up”.
I would not be where I am in life without therapy. The girl that I used to be is unrecognizable to the woman that I am today. That didn’t happen by accident… it happened by choice. The choice I made to talk about things I didn’t want to talk about. The choice I made to heal myself. The choice I made to forgive myself and others. By making these choices I have released myself from the chains that were weighing me down, holding me back, and keeping me stuck. I used to constantly struggle with depression, anxiety, and more, but today I am happy, joyous, and free… therapy was an instrumental part of that transformation.
May is Mental Health Awareness month. Removing the stigma of mental health issues is one of my missions in life. I truly believe you cannot have true physical health without mental health as well, and vice versa. There is no separation of mind & body, they are one. You can eat the vegetables, drink the water, take the supplements, do the exercise, and more… but, if you’re not dealing with the shit in your head, you won’t be healthy. Period. By taking care of your mental & physical health, you are able to show up as the person you want to be in life. Fill up your cup first, so you can pour into others. That’s how we make this world a better place. :)
We got this, friends.
xo,
Stacie
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