What’s Driving You?
Recently I have come to the realization that fear has been driving a lot of decisions in my life. As someone who prides herself in taking on challenges, and continuously pushing herself outside of her comfort zone… this was a surprise to me.
I’m currently in the process of working a 12-step program. If you’re unfamiliar with 12-step programs, they are a series of steps designed to help you overcome any struggle in life you may have. The OG 12-step program is Alcoholics Anonymous. It was started in the 1930s by 2 men – William Wilson (Bill W.) & Dr. Robert Smith (Dr. Bob). They were 2 alcoholics struggling with their addictions, who befriended each other, and got sober in the process. Through their process of getting sober they outlined 12-steps they followed that led to a spiritual experience, and freed them from the grip of alcohol. They started a fellowship that is now worldwide and has helped millions of people break free from alcoholism. From that original program stemmed many other 12-step programs to tackle any struggle any person may have.
Twelve step work is the hardest work I’ve ever done…
I’m currently doing a program called BBA (Big Book Awakening) which started in California. The “Big Book” is the nickname for the book used in Alcoholics Anonymous, and my BBA program coincides with that book. However, this program is not limited to alcohol… it encompasses ALL struggles from alcohol, to addictions, to codependency, to eating disorders, and more. For me, it has been helpful, since I don’t fall into the clinical definition of a person with alcohol dependence as outlined by the American Psychiatric Association in the DSM 5… but, I have 100% abused alcohol in my life, as well as many other unhealthy behaviors. I am a human being who struggles with many, MANY things. I just trade one dysfunction for another. If I only focus on alcohol, my mind will convince me I’m fine and I don’t need help with anything else, because not drinking really isn’t difficult for me… but, the belief that I don’t struggle is simply not true. I learned many unhealthy coping mechanisms throughout my lifetime, and this process is helping me break free from them one by one. My life was unmanageable until I let God guide me in it… and that is what 12 step work ultimately is – learning to trust a higher power to guide you.
This BBA program is like the 12 steps on steroids. lol… it’s VERY in-depth. It takes you through the 12 steps, but it makes you think about things on an even deeper level. It’s intense, and it’s really fucking hard tbh. I just finished my 4th step where I write down any resentments I may have. Prior to this process I honestly didn’t think I had many resentments anymore. I felt I had gotten pretty good at letting things go, because I no longer obsessed about things like I used to... when I was younger, I did obsess about many things, and I tried to control EVERY single aspect of my life… from my food, to my body, to my relationships, and more. I don’t know if it’s just age (I doubt it), or if it’s been my process of personal development work over the last 7 years that has changed that about me, but whatever it is… I’m grateful. I live life much more happy, joyous, and free by not ruining everything good in my life by obsessing about shit I can’t control. However, going through this program I am seeing how even though those thoughts are not at the forefront of my mind anymore, they are still affecting my life…
After writing my resentment list I had to go through and look at my part in each situation. For me, this actually wasn’t that hard. Through therapy and personal development work I’ve gotten pretty good at introspection, and realizing where I am contributing to my own dysfunction and struggle in my life. I am pretty quick to apologize when I’m wrong these days… that did not used to be true AT ALL.
After that I had to list the fear behind each resentment. You see… the reason why ANYTHING bothers us is because there is an underlying fear behind it. That fear triggers our nervous system to go on alert, and that is what causes us anxiety, or anger, or whatever it is we’re feeling regarding a situation… it’s not the actual situation that hurts us or causes us unease… it’s our (body’s) response to it.
Since I believed I took my fears head-on, I didn’t think fear was much of an issue for me.
Wrong. So wrong. lol
What I realized in doing this work is all of the stuff I do to “prove” that I’m not afraid to take on challenges, is actually driven by my biggest fear – that I am unlovable.
When writing my fear list, I had 54 different fears show up. I had to dissect each one down to the root fear… they all lead to this belief that I am unlovable as I am. The statement “I am unlovable” showed up a whopping 220+ times on its own, followed by the statement “I’m not good enough” 120+ times (also a variation of I’m unlovable), and rejection was #3 at nearly 120 times (also a form of unlovable as I am). There were other fears such as I’m a bad mom, the fear of being alone forever, unworthy, and more… all of them dissected down lead to the belief “I am unlovable”.
Holy. Shit.
Doing this work, I see how this subconscious belief that I am unlovable manifests in so many different ways in my life… when I was drinking it made me drink because I believed alcohol makes people like me better. I’m a naturally quiet person, but get a few drinks in me and I’m outgoing and fun to be around. (although I’m sure there are a few bartenders & Uber drivers who would disagree with the term “fun” ;) lol) Today, since I no longer drink, this belief that I am unlovable as I am causes me to perform to prove my worth. It makes me tie my value to false identities around my achievements. In some ways this fear is what makes me successful and an overachiever in so many areas of my life, but the reality is none of those things is what actually makes me lovable… they may make me admirable in our society, but that’s not the same thing as lovable…
The fact that God created me is my innate value. That is what makes me lovable. Period. I know that until I believe that at a cellular level, I will spend my entire life never feeling like I’m not enough… because nothing I do, no one, and nothing in this world is greater than God’s work. I’m not alone in this boat, which is why I’m writing about this publicly. To sum it up… this is the problem with EVERYTHING. lol
This fear is working like a virus in a computer program in the background of my life, and it unconsciously affects my all of my decisions and relationships. It must be removed for my life to run optimally.
Where did this belief come from? We could psychoanalyze it all day long… my parents, society, religion, all of the above… it doesn’t really matter. Putting blame on something else doesn’t change how this is affecting me. What really matters is how I change this belief. Logically, I know it isn’t true that I am unlovable, but it’s the subconscious that’s driving the ship…
I’ve realized through the process of this work that I have made myself really hard to love. I’ve taken on the identity of “independent” and built a fortress around myself in order to protect myself from getting hurt. Although I don’t feel the pain of solitude most of the time… if I get brutally honest with myself, and I let my heart reveal what it truly desires… it desires love and connection more than anything else in this world.
That’s really fucking hard to admit because it feels like weakness… but, it’s not weakness to desire love and connection. It’s fucking brave.
You see, when I break down the fear that I am unlovable even more, the very root fear is that I will reach the end of my life with regret. I believe we are souls brought here to have this human experience, not humans with souls. I believe the purpose of that human experience is connection with God, ourselves, and others. I do not want to reach the end of this human life, and realize that I missed my purpose because I was too busy achieving, performing, and doing… instead of connecting, loving, and being as I was designed to be.
I do not want to reach the end of my life with regrets… I want to die with memories, not dreams.
However, doing this work I’m realizing if I don’t let go of these fears of unlovability, I will die with the biggest regret of all – a life without love & connection. It won’t matter what incredible feats I accomplish, or where I go, or what impact I make in this world, if I live a life without giving my soul what it came here for, none of it will matter. (When I say love, it is not limited to romantic love, of course, I mean all-encompassing love and connection with others, God, and myself.)
How do I get rid of this fear? I have no fucking clue. I mean, I can’t tbh… but, God can.
So, I’m just praying that God removes it, I’m surrendering to the process, and I’m taking action when necessary… because I know for me, nothing actually changes in my life until I take the actions necessary to change it. Some of the actions I’m taking right now are continuing to work my 12-steps, talk therapy, Lumni therapy (mind/body therapy), EFT or “tapping”, prayer and meditation. I’m also opening up and being more vulnerable to people who feel safe, which is a huge action for me to take.
Doing this work is overwhelming sometimes. At times I am hypersensitive to EVERYTHING. Sometimes every emotion is coming out of my eyeballs. Sometimes there is an aching or uneasiness in my chest that nothing will soothe… but, I’m doing my best to not push it away… I’m allowing it to move through me. My hope is that I will come out the other side of this with a heart wide open… I’m told this process will create a shift in my life, and from what I’ve experienced from doing this work so far, I do believe that to be true. I’m already a changed person from who I used to be, but there is more to uncover…
Just like in nature, transformation sometimes requires total destruction before the beauty emerges. A butterfly is not simply a caterpillar that decided to grow wings one day. The caterpillar enters the chrysalis and turns to complete goo before it emerges a butterfly… right now I feel like the goo. Letting go of everything I thought I was, to step into who I truly am is sometimes painful. But, if the pain from my past has taught me anything – I will eventually emerge with wings… but, for now, I just trust.