“I would never…”
“I would never…”
Whenever I hear those words cross my mind, I know I’m in judgment…
Judgment of others… which is really the judgment of myself, because what we see in others is a reflection of what we see in ourselves.
The phrase “I would never…” is our Ego’s attempt to make us feel morally superior to how someone is responding to a situation. Every human has an Ego, it is the identity, or concept of “self” that was created in childhood. The Ego tries to protect us from anything that feels like a threat by making stories of how others “should” behave. When someone does something we perceive as “bad” or that doesn’t align with what we perceive as “good”, it threatens our core beliefs of what is right or wrong… the basic survival instincts of our nervous system believe that if we do something “wrong” it could lead to death.
The reality is… we have no idea how we would respond in a situation until life presents us with that exact situation.
The first time I realized my arrogance around this was around the infidelity in my marriage.
Prior to that, I thought women (or men) that considered repairing a relationship after infidelity were pathetic & weak. I said if my husband ever cheated on me I’d be out the door so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him…
And then it happened to me.
Suddenly I was at this crossroads…
It wasn’t a simple, clear decision. I was clouded by anger, pain, sadness & grief… what seemed like an obvious & easy decision before, was suddenly a very difficult decision to make. It wasn’t as simple as I’m a strong person, I deserve better, so I need to leave. I did deserve better, but it wasn’t just about me & what I wanted/deserved… I had children involved, I had financial assets involved, I had an entire life I created…
I was going to have to choose to end the life I had committed to… the death of the life I was living.
That’s a big f*cking decision.
When I feel myself go into judgment mode today, it’s time for me to stop & check my Ego…
I don’t think there’s such thing as a right or wrong decision… there’s only a decision, and then the next decision, and then the next decision…
Going through that experience forever changed me. Initially, I made the opposite decision of the one I thought I would make… I decided to stay & fight for my marriage. When I made that decision I was not supported by my family, and it was a very lonely time. I realize their decision not to support my decision was because they believed I deserve to be treated better… which is 100% true. I know that & I am in no way arguing with that… but, man… it would’ve been a lot easier to leave if I had felt like I was loved & supported regardless of my decision.
I eventually did leave, and I’m glad I did… but, I’m also glad I stayed when I did. I wasn’t weak or pathetic for staying… I didn’t let the pressures of the world influence what was best for me, and that’s f*cking brave! Because it was 100% my decision to leave when I did, I’ve never for one second regretted leaving my marriage. I gave it all I had to give at that time in my life, and so I don’t consider it a failure…
It was simply something I had to go through to become the woman I am today… and I love the woman I am today.
If you find yourself saying “I would never…” I encourage you to soften, and instead of spewing your judgment on the other person or situation… ask yourself why it’s triggering you? What ideal is it threatening within you? Is it triggering a memory of a past situation in your life? Maybe you (or someone you loved) didn’t respond in the way you believed you/they “should” have back then, and that decision hurt you. If so, give yourself (or them) the love & compassion needed to forgive… we’re all doing the best we can, with what we have, at any given moment. You’re a different person now, with different tools & capabilities, and you are not defined by your past… only by how you respond in the present… so, respond in the way that the loving, healed version of you would respond.
Today, I don’t believe I would stay if I was presented with infidelity again, because I know from my experience I’m strong enough to move through the pain & I have the ability to create a life I love after pain… which is precisely what I’ve done since my divorce… but I’ve learned not to say “I would never…” because I never want to make someone (including myself) feel judged & alone in their struggle/pain… I want them to feel seen, loved & supported, not for their actions, but because we all inherently deserve that.
Live in love, not judgment. Pay it forward, friends. 💖
XO,
Stacie