It’s Me, Hi, I’m The Problem, It’s Me.

I don’t know if there’s ever been a song that’s more relatable than Taylor Swift’s song ‘Anti-Hero’. I find myself singing those lyrics in my head pretty often, usually after I realize some way I’m preventing myself from showing up as the person I want to be in this world…

I recently had an encounter where I had this realization…

I was having a really emotional day. I was working through some extremely painful experiences in my life. Now, I am all for feeling your feelings in the moment, if possible, but I realize there are times when that just isn’t feasible… especially when they’re really big emotions. So, sometimes it is necessary to compartmentalize and put those emotions in a container temporarily until there is time & space to fully process them.

This was one of those times.

I just needed to make it to the end of the day, then I would allow myself to unpack that container… but, these emotions were intense. So, the normal things I do to fill downtime from work weren’t enough to keep these emotions at bay. I decided I needed to connect with another human as a way to distract myself from having a total breakdown in the middle of the workday.

So, I called a friend. I wanted to tell them about good things that were happening in my life.

I wanted to do this for several reasons. 1) Because even though I was feeling overwhelmed by very painful, difficult things in my life at that moment, I also wanted to consciously recognize the good in my life… because there is always something to be grateful for, even when things are really dark. 2) Because I knew this person was struggling with their own stuff, and I felt like sharing the good news in my life would give them a sense of hope in their struggles… because one of the best remedies I’ve found for pulling myself out of the darkness is to help someone else. Focusing my attention on helping someone else, makes me feel empowered to help myself as well.

During the conversation, I asked my friend how they were doing, and they were honest and said they were struggling. I was empathetic, as I had struggled with the same things many times in my life. I then told them my good news, which was actually relevant to their current situation, and I encouraged them to stay hopeful because my story was evidence that their situation could improve too. They were thankful for the hope. Then they asked how I was doing…

“I’m okay.” I lied.

I wasn’t okay. Not in the slightest. I changed the subject, and we talked about other things for a little while longer. At the end of the call, they thanked me again for my kind words, and we hung up.

Almost immediately I was overcome with resentment. “This is such a one-sided relationship. They don’t care about me.” I thought. “I’m always there for them in whatever it is they’re going through, but they have no idea what I’m even dealing with at the moment.”

Then, it hit me… I lied.

Yes, part of my reason for lying was I was afraid I would start crying if I was honest, which is what I told myself was the reason I lied, but it was more than that… I wanted to feel like I was a good person for helping someone else, without expecting anything in return. I wanted to feel a sense of superiority that I didn’t “need” other people to help me. I was also afraid to be vulnerable out of fear that my friend would get mad at me, and think I was “dumping” my stuff on their already full plate. There were lots of reasons why I lied, but there was only one reason I felt resentment…

In the book ‘Atlas of the Heart’ by Brene Brown, she discusses resentment. In her research she discovered resentment isn’t derived from anger, it’s derived from envy. When we’re resentful towards someone else, it’s showing us what we’re not giving ourselves. For example…

When you’re resentful at your spouse/coworker/whoever for not helping you with a project, and doing something else instead (including resting), it’s because you’re envious of them that they have clear boundaries/give themselves permission to rest/etc… it’s not because of their actions, it’s because you’re denying yourself the same freedom to choose what it is you actually want/need in the moment.

My resentment towards my friend was because they allowed themselves to be vulnerable to me, and I welcomed that vulnerability from them… but my resentment was because I didn’t allow myself to show up with the same vulnerability, even though I desperately needed support too.

My friend wasn’t selfish - I was.

As I said before, one of the best ways I have found to pull myself out of a dark space is to help others… we all feel good when we can help other people. I denied my friend that opportunity by selfishly lying about how I was actually doing that day because part of me didn’t want to appear weak & another part of me wanted to feel superior by helping my friend, without accepting help myself… both parts of my Ego.

Cue lyrics: 🎶Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism?🎶😉

As soon as I realized it was my Ego running the show, I quickly let go of my resentment toward my friend, because I realized they were undeserving of that resentment - I was the problem, not them. I then vowed to tell the truth, no matter what… we’ll see if that actually happens next time, or if Ego will take over again…

Owning my part in the painful parts of my relationships is humbling & hard, but it’s also what’s allowed me to not continually repeat the unconscious, painful, dysfunctional patterns that I learned growing up… Once you see something within yourself, you can’t unsee it. Every experience like this shows me how I need to show up differently if I want things - like my relationships - to be different in my life. I know I can’t/won’t have relationships that feel good if I’m not honest. I know I need to break my instinctual pattern of saying I’m fine when I’m not. It will take repeated, conscious practice to change this pattern, and I’m sure I won’t do it perfectly… but, eventually, with enough reps, it will hopefully become my new pattern… which will change my relationships & my life for the better.

Even though I am still the Anti-Hero in my life at times, I am also the Hero…

Because, unlike the opening lyric to the song “I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser” I do get wiser, not with age, but with awareness… Yes, it may take me multiple times to learn a lesson, and I know lessons will keep repeating themselves until they are learned… but, eventually, I do learn. I rarely, if ever, enact the solution to the lesson perfectly, but I do improve with each attempt. Learning to give myself grace & compassion in the process helps me make progress even faster.

If this story resonates with you, I encourage you to ask yourself “What do I need?”

Then give yourself whatever it is you need… your needs are valid. By fulfilling your need, you’ll be able to show up as the Hero in your life as well.

XO,

Stacie