My Child Owes Me Nothing

My child owes me nothing.

There’s a belief that children, as they grow up, owe their parents for all they did to raise them…

I disagree.

She did not choose to be born…

I chose to become a parent. With that comes the responsibility of raising her. I signed on for that...

She did not. She owes me nothing.

As she grows into an adult, it is MY job to grow & evolve with her if I want to maintain a close relationship with her… it is not her job to shrink & stay small so I don’t feel the uncomfortable feelings that come with her growing into her own person.

If I begin to feel entitled or resentful about things that I do for her as her mother, I know it's because I'm overstepping my own boundaries of what I actually have the capacity to give... as the parent, it is my job to re-establish & enforce my boundaries... it is not her job to "pay me back" in some way because I overstepped my own boundaries. Because I am human, I am not 100% perfect in this. So, in the moments when I do overstep my own boundaries, I simply repair the fracture it caused in our relationship by admitting I made a mistake and I adjust to what feels more appropriate. With that repair, she continues to trust me as a safe person, even though I am human...

She isn't afraid of losing my love when she establishes boundaries with me either, and she feels she can be completely open and honest with me... she is allowed & encouraged to be her full, complete self... and from this, she has developed into a confident, happy teen. It truly is amazing to me to watch her, as it took me like 40 years (lol) to develop the confidence that she has today at 15 years old. She knows herself & she trusts herself, and because of that she doesn't give in to peer pressure or stress about things most teens stress about... I was never that way when I was her age.

I never witnessed boundaries or relational repair with my own parents. I grew up in a very dysfunctional, codependent & abusive home. A lot of that dysfunction, abuse & codependency continued well into my adulthood…

Until I broke the cycle & set boundaries in my life.

Suddenly, I wasn’t acting the part I had always played in my family dynamic, and I’ll be honest, it strained our relationships… but, it was absolutely necessary for my mental health, my physical health, and my ability to show up for my daughter in the way I wanted to as a mother…

We are not obligated to be in anyone’s life… blood-related, legally related, or not. We do not have to tolerate mistreatment, abuse, chaos, drama, or overstepping of boundaries, simply because we’re related to someone…

Everyone earns a seat at our table in life.

EVERYONE.

Earning a seat is not the same as “earning love”… because love is not earned… love is not transactional… love is given freely, regardless of behavior. If it is transactional - it’s not love… it’s manipulation. Love can be given from afar… it is not a requirement to be a part of someone’s life to love them.

This doesn’t mean we have to cut people out of our lives (sometimes it does), but those who are at your table need to respect your boundaries of what actions are allowed at that table…

And the same is true for them. You need to respect their boundaries if you want a seat at their table.

Not everyone gets a seat throughout our entire lives either, and that’s okay. Make space for those who do treat you well… create your own family. Your family table can be filled with people who are blood/legally related, and those who are not… the ones who get the closest seat to you earn that right by showing you love & respect, consistently.

The ones who get moved farther away, or removed from the table completely… it doesn’t mean they’re bad people, or that we love them any less… it just means that we love ourselves enough to give ourselves what we need… and it’s okay to love ourselves. IT’S NECESSARY TO LOVE OURSELVES if we want to show up as our best selves for others, and to truly love others…

This is your one and only shot at this life… fill it with love, joy, and happiness.

Today, I do have a relationship with my family, but it’s not a close relationship… and that’s okay. There’s a lot of grief that comes with that, and I allow myself to feel that grief. I love them just the same… we’re all doing the best we can with what we have. Believing our relationship “should” be different, or that it “should” look like anyone else’s is what causes me distress. So, I accept our relationship for what it is, and I do my part to create a relationship with them that feels comfortable to me, and they do the same… it may evolve over time, but even if it doesn’t… The best we can do at any given time is enough. I’ve created a robust family of close friends, as well as my relatives… it’s what I need to feel connected & loved.

There’s a deep sadness within me when I think about the day my daughter moves out of my home, but I know that day will come. I hope we continue to have a close relationship as she moves fully into adulthood… I know that can only happen if I give her the space to become her full, independent adult self. I know I will need to respect her boundaries, and she will need to respect mine… only then can we cultivate a close relationship through every stage of life. I believe we will be close because of the healthy foundation we’ve built our relationship on, and because of my belief that she owes me nothing… it keeps me grounded in reality as a mother, and it removes any unrealistic expectations I would have of her to be anything but who she truly is. Because of that she feels seen & heard & accepted. She feels free to be her true, authentic self… that’s what cultivates the connection she & I have. These beliefs allow me to give to her without expectation of anything in return, and it makes it safe for her to receive love. Because I know who I am today, I know I’ll always continue to do the work on my part to cultivate a relationship with her as we both grow as people, and that makes me feel safe to let us both be who we are meant to be without fear of losing this relationship. She is not obligated to stay in a close relationship with me when she is grown, but I hope she will want a close relationship with me because I hope to be a person she trusts & a person who adds to her life…

This belief applies to every relationship in my life.

Build longer tables, and let love in, but be discerning on the seating chart. 😉

I’ve said this before…

Boundaries are not barriers to keep people out… they’re guideposts to let people in. Boundaries illuminate the path to love & connection… and that’s what life is all about.💖

XO,

-Stacie