Not-so-Funtime Barbie

“You know we all call you Not-so-Funtime Barbie, right?” -Information revealed to me by a drunk coworker at a party one night.

Apparently that’s what everyone called me behind my back. I had no idea until he told me.

To give some context, I was a young, pretty & thin (although I didn’t see myself that way), blonde EMT. Back then EMS was VERY male dominated. I felt I had to prove my competence on the job, as it was assumed by the good ole boys of EMS that women weren’t really up to the task. So, I put on a tough-as-nails exterior, and went above & beyond to prove I could do it. Also, as is often in male-dominated fields, to ward off the sexual harassment that is a normal occurrence, I had to, as a female, not be too friendly or else it could be interpreted as an invitation for degrading comments & sexual advances from my colleagues. Because of these reasons, and the struggles I’m about to talk about, I was quiet, unapproachable, unfriendly & stuck up… believing because I wore a uniform I had significance & superiority over people who didn’t. I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around.

It’s been nearly 2 decades since those words were spoken to me, and although I no longer feel a charge of anger & hurt when I think about them, those words still pop into my mind from time to time & make me reflect on how much my life has changed.

Back then, it wasn’t just my Egoic facade of being tough that made me appear unapproachable…

It was severe depression & nervous system dysregulation resulting from a lifetime of abuse.

I spent decades in this low place. Depression, for me, isn’t necessarily crying all the time… I tend to just go numb, as to avoid feeling the extreme lows. Depression shows up as the negative voice in my head that is SO FUCKING LOUD it drowns out any positive thoughts… it’s a deep self-hatred that mentally beats the shit out of me, constantly…. it causes me to be unable to do normal daily functions like clean my house… it creates the inability to take care of myself in anyway… it causes me to abuse my body with exercise, bingeing on food, followed by restricting food… it causes me to feel isolated in my struggles… it makes me feel hopeless about my future… it causes me to not give a shit about anything at all.

At the time that statement was said to me, I was in an abusive relationship with a coworker. He would torture me with verbal abuse & threats of physical violence if he suspected I was flirting with someone… which “flirting” basically meant interacting with the opposite sex at all. So, to avoid these consequences, I didn’t talk to many people at work. This, plus my Ego’s attempts to prove I was competent as an EMT, plus the unhappiness in life, plus my pretty physical attributes of being a young, thin blonde girl in EMS created the persona of Not-so-Funtime Barbie as labeled by those around me.

I tell this story, not for sympathy, but to bring awareness of what struggles with mental health look like…

Even though it appeared as though I had everything - looks, status, etc. - I was really struggling. I’ve never been suicidal, but until I had my daughter at the age of 29, I didn’t care if I lived or died… and I didn’t think anyone else cared either.

Even after I left that abusive relationship, I struggled with depression for years. Because of abuse I sustained growing up & beyond, I was literally unable to make eye contact with people until I got into therapy… the world felt too unsafe to my nervous system. Feeling like everyone hated me deepened my struggle even more & made me feel very alone. To this day, I’m only able to maintain eye contact with people who I know are safe.

I didn’t want to appear unfriendly or stuck up. I didn’t want to be unapproachable. I didn’t want to be isolated. I didn’t want to act the way I did back then at all… I’m not excusing my actions of being unfriendly towards others in anyway, but I am giving some context as to why I was this way… it wasn’t a choice, it was a survival instinct to avoid abuse & trauma… shut up & keep your head down & you’ll be safer.

The person that you’re judging as unfriendly or stuck up, is likely struggling with something deep. As humans, we’re wired for connection, but when trauma happens it causes a disconnection in that wiring… survival tactics are developed, and it affects how we act towards others. We all want to be accepted & loved at our core, but trauma can cause us to believe we’re not worthy of that… to believe we’re isolated… to believe we’re not worthy of existing at all.

How someone treats you is not a reflection of you… it’s a reflection of themselves. If they’re unkind or hateful towards you, it’s because they’re unkind & hateful towards themselves. If they appear to think they’re better than you, it’s because deep down they really feel inferior/inadequate, so they have to act superior to avoid those feelings. So, don’t take things personally… keep boundaries as to what behaviors you will tolerate, but give compassion & grace knowing their behaviors have nothing to do with you, and are likely due to the pain they’re experiencing inside.

How you perceive someone is a reflection of you… judgement of others comes from where we feel pain inside ourselves. The guy who made this cruel statement to me likely felt judged himself, and likely had an experience of being bullied or rejected. My perceived standoffish-ness towards him & others probably triggered that wound in him… which is why he saw that in me & felt the need to tell me…

I have forgiven the people who labeled me as Not-so-Funtime Barbie, as they didn’t know the struggle I was going through, and it probably was a fair assessment of me as I was unfriendly, unhappy, stuck up, and unapproachable… I have also forgiven the girl I was back then that earned that label… she was doing the best she could with what she had at that time. She is worthy of existing, even though she didn’t act the way she wanted to act. She is worthy of love, even though she was made to feel as though she wasn’t. She is worthy of healing, even though healing takes time & effort… she is worthy of that time & effort.

I am not that person anymore. I’m friendly. I’m happy. I’m welcoming & inclusive. I not only care that I live… I love my life. I feel I have purpose & connection to something greater than myself. I no longer struggle with depression. (See my previous post as to how I overcame it)

This story is a reminder that EVERYONE is struggling with things they don’t talk about… be kind. Your kind actions just may be the glimmer of hope they need to know they’re not alone….

Be kind, always.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Mental health IS health.