Stop Telling People How To Feel
Over the years, as a single person, I have received a lot of feedback from people (who are not single) as to how I should approach love, relationships & dating. I hear the same thing over and over…
“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
Well, I’ve got news for ya, folks… I don’t think I could expect it any less at this point. 😉😂 I kid, but I’m also serious…
I’ve been single for 12 years. Yes, I have dated throughout the entirety of that time, but I haven’t had a lasting relationship. The reasons behind that aren’t important to what I’m about to say, and what I’m about to say has nothing to do with being single, it’s just a relevant example I can use…
I want to speak about how to be supportive of someone who is struggling, or wanting to change something about the situation they are in…
Oftentimes when I am speaking about dating or being single, I am given advice on how I should feel about the situation from the person I am speaking with…
If I say something like “I’m lonely.”… I often hear something to the effect of…
“If you’re not happy being single, you won’t be happy in a relationship either.”…
Or “You not lonely, you’ve got XYZ friends, etc.”…
Or “You need to learn to love yourself before you can love anybody else.”…
Or “He’s out there, you’ve just got to have faith.”
Although all of these suggestions are well-intentioned, and I know this, they’re not really that helpful…
These suggestions make me feel like I’m doing something wrong, and they make me feel even more alone in my loneliness… which adds to a feeling of hopelessness around dating… because the reality is, there is only so much I can do about it… I am only one half of the equation… I have no control over who I meet, or whether they like me or not. I simply control how much I put myself “out there”.
Because I often feel even more alone in these discussions with others, I’ve stopped discussing the topic of dating/being single with certain people. Instead, I reserve this topic for people who simply listen to me. They witness me in my loneliness… they don’t try to change it, or invalidate how hard it can be to feel lonely… instead, they simply hold space. I am allowed to feel the pain of the loneliness within me, while I feel connected to them… it’s a healing experience.
Now, I admit I have been guilty of giving advice, instead of holding space myself, but I’m consciously trying to be better at it, which is why I’m writing this…
When someone is in struggle, regardless of what the struggle is about, very often the support that they need is just the space to feel what they feel. It’s uncomfortable to see others in pain, which is why it’s our natural human tendency to try and “fix” it… but, this approach creates disconnection. It doesn’t allow the person in the struggle to fully process whatever it is they’re going through, because the “solution” is presented to them… but, a solution to an internal problem/feeling will never come from an outside source… everything is an inside job.
… which keeps their energy focused on their struggle, and because the other party is presenting themselves as having the “solution” instead of understanding, it makes the struggling party feel even more alone & broken.