When To Stay… When To Go

When to stay… and when to go.

I think this has to be one of the hardest decisions we ever have to face….

Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or an institution…

Knowing when to stick it out & when to move on to new paths is never an easy decision.

Sometimes it’s not about changing the circumstances, but instead changing our perception of them… Sometimes leaving the circumstances is the only way to bring peace.

I was raised to tolerate abuse, to believe that my needs weren’t important, and that being a “good girl” meant staying in line & never questioning the status quo. It took years of therapy to realize how detrimental this was to me, and how it made it very hard to leave situations that were unhealthy.

Today, the way I determine whether to stay or to go, is to evaluate how the situation is affecting my mental & physical health.

For instance, my job in EMS… there was no amount of diet or exercise that could undo the toll that career was taking on my health. The management & work culture was toxic, and even abusive at times. The job itself was traumatic. The hours & schedule did not allow for appropriate rest & recovery. And the pay did not provide enough to cover basic living needs. (Unless you worked a ton of overtime) Over time, that career contributed to physical health problems, which was my wake-up call that it was time to go… my mental health & physical health had been affected for years, but I didn’t realize it until I left.

Or relationships I’ve had… sometimes it’s been necessary for me to end ties completely. This has occurred when the other party has refused to respect my boundaries & to respect me as a person. But, sometimes, even if the relationship isn’t what I would like it to be, as long as there is a mutual respect between us, they remain a part of my life… but, maybe not a significant part of my life. When this happens, if I start to believe that the relationship “should” be something different, it causes me distress. But, if I can stay grounded in the reality of what is, and accept that, then the relationship doesn’t negatively impact my well-being. Sometimes, it’s me who needs to change… I need to change my perspective of the other person, or the situation as a whole… maybe it’s there to teach me a lesson, or to help me grow. Again, I come to this conclusion only after I’ve determined that my boundaries are being respected, I am being respected as a person, and there is no control, manipulation or abuse happening on the other end… sometimes during this process I realize I’M the one trying to control & manipulate😬… that’s my wake up call that I need to change.

Or institutions, such as organized religion… for most of my life I went to church, because that’s how I was raised. What I realized through my own spiritual growth & deepened relationship with God is… religious institutions are not God. I realized how traumatic many of the beliefs I was taught throughout my lifetime in the church were. How controlling & manipulative these beliefs were, and that their purpose was to instill fear in me. Because of these ideas I was taught that I was somehow defective or incomplete because of my “sinful nature”. Wrong. So wrong. I am a sovereign, whole being on my own. Everything given to me was given to me by God… so everything within me is good. My soul connection with my Higher Power (God) has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with any institution on this earth. My deconstruction from religion has allowed me to develop a deeper connection with my Higher Power, and to let go of the fear & shame I carried for so long that kept me feeling like I am separated from God. My soul is a part of God & always has been… even before my human body existed. Nothing can separate that… God is within me. Today, my view of God is so much more expansive than it ever was going to church every Sunday… I have peace because I have true connection… and no one else’s opinion about it has control over me anymore. Leaving was necessary for me to find freedom… that may not be true for everyone, and that’s okay, but for me… this is the right path.

For me, my tendency is still to stay longer than what’s best for me… I’m still working through my people-pleasing nature, my desire to be a “good girl” & to not rock the boat. I do a lot of shadow work, because these traits are my Ego’s attempt to protect me & make me “fit in”… but, as Brené Brown always says… fitting in is the opposite of authenticity…

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are”

Today, I choose my authentic self… and in moments where I forget who that is, I simply forgive myself for briefly abandoning myself, as I know it’s just my Ego’s attempt to keep me safe… and in that forgiveness, I’m suddenly back to being my whole, authentic self again. In this state I attract situations & relationships where I truly belong & are truly meant for me… it’s healthy & I am much happier for it.✨