Release. Trust. Receive.

I am in the midst of heartbreak. I ended a 2+ year on-again-off-again relationship. I genuinely love him as a person, but as I’ve learned from my life experiences… love isn’t enough.

I used to ignore the practical parts of relationships. I was convinced that if we just loved each other enough, everything else would work out, but now I realize that was a Hollywood Fairytale story of love that was sold to me.

I also grew up believing that you stayed no matter what… no matter how much physical, mental, and emotional abuse was present… no matter how painful or unhealthy… no matter if your relational needs weren’t met… no matter how much lying & deception… no matter how unhappy you both were… No. Matter. What. You stayed… and if you thought about leaving, you were a selfish, terrible person.

The combination of these 2 brainwashing’s kept me in relationships that were extremely unhealthy throughout the early part of my adult life. It also taught me to give, give, give until I had absolutely nothing left to give… and that to receive meant I owed somebody something. Relationships were transactional to say the least, but if I’m being honest, my relationships were actually really draining… which led me to become fearful of love.

I’m no longer fearful of love, because I realize love isn’t the cause of my pain… it’s the opposite of love that causes my pain - fear. All of those dysfunctional patterns & behaviors that I learned growing up were driven by fear, not love. Understanding this, it’s still difficult for me to leave someone I love, which is the pain I’m going through now, but I understand sometimes it’s necessary to leave to truly love the other person in a healthy way. There wasn’t abuse or anything like that in this relationship, but there wasn’t enough meeting in the middle either. He’s fearful-avoidant (his words), and I’m anxious-avoidant, and that dance had us constantly half-in-half-out…. I felt as though I was constantly dancing around eggshells because any sound of a “crack” would scare him off.

Knowing that it takes more than love to make a relationship work, it also takes effort from both parties, I can no longer engage in relationships with the naivety I once had. So, as much as I want to follow my heart, I’ve learned that I must also take my head with me…

Looking at the reality of my situation, I was presented with a Litmus test of sorts…

I follow an Instagram influencer, who recently removed her breast implants via explant surgery. Since I, myself, had that same surgery almost 4 years ago, I’ve been very interested in her recovery process. Watching her brought back memories from my own recovery.

After that surgery, you’re not able to lift your arms above your head for a few weeks. You really are helpless to some degree. Everything is difficult. You’re really fatigued. You’re trying to come to terms with how your breasts look with scars & without implants… and as a single person, I had tremendous fear of getting naked in front of a man again. It’s a lot physically, mentally & emotionally to deal with.

As this influencer was recovering, she was talking candidly about how she couldn’t wash her hair because she couldn’t lift her arms. So, she asked her husband to wash it for her, which he gladly did in their kitchen sink.

I remember that dilemma, but I didn’t have anybody to help me wash my hair. I figured it out, but I also felt incredibly alone at that time. Most of the time I don’t really even think about the fact that I don’t have a partner in life, but situations like that really shine a spotlight on it. I am terrible at asking for help, and who knows if I would even think to ask for help in that situation even if I had a partner, but the fact that I didn’t even have an option felt incredibly lonely.

Fast forward to now… as I’m navigating the potential ending of this relationship, I asked myself…

“Would he wash my hair?”.

My gut told me “No”. 

Even though I, obviously, am capable of surviving that situation on my own, I realized… I no longer want to. I want to let down my walls. I want to feel cared for. I want to feel important to my partner. I want to feel protected by a man. I want to feel loved… just as much as I want to do those things for him.

Yes, there was love present in this relationship, but there wasn’t nurturing. I realize now that I need both.

The old me, that only showed the world impermeable toughness, would’ve never admitted that truth to herself, let alone out loud. But, this version of me… this version that’s gotten sober… this version that’s gotten really, radically honest with herself & others… this person that knows herself & what she wants, and she’s willing to let go of the good to make space for the great to come into her life. She is a fucking badass.

I always thought being brave meant being strong & independent, but now I know it actually means being honest & willing to relinquish control, to allow something beyond what I believe is possible to transpire in my life.

As with every difficult situation I go through, I choose to find a lesson… In this relationship I learned to hold myself much better than I ever did in the past. I used to outsource every need I had to my partner, and I realize now that’s too much. I also used to expect my partner to read my mind as to what I needed, and when he didn’t do that, I would do something to sabotage the relationship. I’ve learned to calm my anxious thoughts around relationships, while at the same time expressing my needs & desires in a clear, loving way. Observing my growth in these areas helps me have more confidence in my ability to engage in relationship in a healthy way.

My heart is broken, yes, but I know I’m brave enough to heal & to love again… and I trust that there is a man out there who is willing to overcome his own fears around love, and he will be willing to nuture our relationship at the same effort I’m willing to give. I won’t have to tiptoe… we’ll dance together, instead of around each other.

Even though this relationship has ended, the love remains… and sometimes the most loving & nurturing thing you can do is love each other from afar.

Pain does not last forever, but love always does. How wonderful that I got to experience it firsthand.

So, I am doing my best to RELEASE what no longer serves me, to TRUST that what’s meant for me will find me, and to be ready to RECEIVE that love when it arrives.

XO

-Stacie