“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” - Louis C.K.
“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” - Louis C.K.
If someone has the courage to tell you when your actions hurt them, it means they care for you enough to actually want a relationship with you. Boundaries are only necessary for relationships. If there is no relationship, there is no need for boundaries.
Looking at it from this perspective, knowing they care enough about us to want a relationship with us, allows us to be curious, instead of defensive, when someone is honest enough to give us feedback about our actions in the relationship.
When someone expresses a hurt & it’s met with “That doesn’t hurt you” - that’s gaslighting. The intention behind the action may not have been to hurt the other person, but we can’t control how something is received… we only know our intention & we can control the presentation.
When a need is expressed & it’s met with a response of “You’re too needy” - that’s gaslighting. It’s saying the expressed need is invalid, instead of admitting we aren’t capable of meeting that need (which is ok)… which is the more honest answer.
Shutting down what someone is telling us is invalidating the other person’s experience. It makes them feel unseen & unheard. It creates disconnection in the relationship because it makes the relationship unsafe to be open, honest & vulnerable… because, ultimately, what we all want in relationships is to be seen, heard & accepted for who we are.
A healthier response, that cultivates connection, is to instead ask “Please help me understand your perspective.” This is in no way saying that the hurtful actions were intended to be hurtful, but it’s opening up a conversation to better understand the other party… it makes the other party feel seen & heard.
We each have a unique lens of the world that we see. What we see is not reality… it’s OUR reality based on our previous life experiences. Our brain perceives what’s happening around us, and “computes” it with data from past experiences to make sense of it… from there WE form OUR own reality…
Understanding this allows us to pause, and try & see it from the other’s perspective. It doesn’t mean we’ll agree with that perspective, it simply means we validate the other person’s reality. Instead of having a monocular view of the world, it gives us a binocular view of the world… which makes the reality of the situation clearer for both people.
Relationship (of any kind) takes work. It takes open, honest communication… and that can only happen in a safe space. If you want to deepen your relationships, focus on creating that safe space, and soon the connection will follow… when others feel seen & heard, they’re much more likely to see & hear us too.
We’re not meant to go through life alone. Connecting with others is what gives life… life. It takes effort to cultivate connection, but as with anything… the best things in life rarely come without effort. So, it’s worth it. 💖
#relationships #thriving #healing #forgiveness #lifecoach #healthcoach #recovery #12steps #boundaries #codependency #lifecoaching #mindset #happy #healthy